Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas to all my friends ...

...and have a safe and happy time celebrating the inexact birthday of God incarnate, born of a woman who was un-porked by man.
Jesus Christ, son-of-God but also God and I think the Holy Spirit as well (my theology here is admittedly a little weak) was born in order to perform a few miracles, abuse some moneylenders and say some genuinely nice things about the poor and the meek.
He then got himself nailed to a big chunk of wood as a human/divine being sacrifice to forgive mankind for Adam and Eve's original sin which ... well ... wasn't really mankind's mistake on the whole. And, in Adam and Eve's defence, it was kind of ... I believe the modern phrase would be ... entrapment. Creating a man out of dust, a woman out of his rib, telling them not to eat a specific apple and then sending a talking snake to urge them to have a nibble seems somehow like dirty pool. I'm not sure it would stand up in many courts of law. Dropping LSD after my parents told me not to didn't even get me kicked out of the house, let alone the Garden of Eden. The old man didn't staple my little brother to the garage door so he could forgive me either. God could have just forgotten about the entire bloody thing without Jesus getting nailed or Mary not, but who am I to question the will of The Almighty?
So there you go friends -- you're spared eternal damnation because of Christmas.

Unless you're a queer (Cory... Greg... are you paying attention?).

Or you covet your neighbour's herd (we all know about your sheep fetish, Bridgens).

Or somehow doubt the validity of the above story (sensible people, and Barb, I'm looking at you!).

So, Happy Xmas to one and all and try to remember the words of the philosopher Voltaire in the coming new year ...
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

Friday, December 14, 2007

Some Trivia You May Not Have Known About Brian...

...He finds the idea of Karma more palatable than the other pseudo-mystical horseshit he has been fed. The idea of 'Don't be a douche-bag lest it bite you in the ass' is much more appealing than some omniscient dude who frowns on abortion, infidels and pork.
He secretly suspects being a douche-bag will get you further in life. He doubts but hopes that the douche-bags will come back as dung beetles or electronics salesmen in the next life.

...He knows he's made a horrible mistake with his life...He just doesn't have a handle on fixing it since he now has to support both himself and The Tiny-Toothed Mayoress of Needy Town. If anyone wants to offer him a reasonable, adult-sized job -- please respond via this blog.
I'll warn you upfront -- He does drink. He really likes taking pills. Oh yeah, and he probably won't put up with your 'I'm the boss' shit. Other than that, he is a model employee.

...He thinks Alex Lifeson from the progressive rock 'n' roll band Rush is the best guitar player in the world ... based solely on the first two tracks of Permenant Waves.
Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton and Liona Boyd be damned.

...He misses Perry -- who has ruined New Year's Eve for Brian (you selfish prick, Perry) by snuffing it on that night -- and he has been a very, very bad god-father to Samantha.
Though it makes him become a bit maudlin at times, he hopes that Newfie bastard is resting in peace.

...He is a very bad electonics salesman -- he keeps telling people to go and invest more money in a Mac.
He doesn't sell them at his store and can't make a commission from it, but ... ehhh. It's a better computer ... and Vista is a pain in the balls.
Go buy an Apple computer. Spend the extra money.

...He doesn't really like Sex In The City, Friends or Degrassi: Anything ... He just pretends that to get laid. It rarely works.
He actually likes hockey, pornography and violence films.

...He hates this stupid foster-cat.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

More Simpsons Quotes I Actually Use in Everyday Life

The previous post on this subject seemed pretty popular ... and I do like to pander to the lowest common denominator.
Plus, I get to rip off funny stuff from another source without doing my own work.
So...what the hell?
I expect at least fifty comments with your own favourite Simpsons quotes or I'll rethink this entire pandering...nay, blogging... idea.

"I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky."
-- Homer J. Simpson
Homer says this when he realizes that he is hopelessly out of touch with '90s music. His beloved Grand Funk Railroad (later shortened to Grand Funk ... probably by record company weasels in suits) is no longer a relevant musical force. Despite the wild, shirtless rythyms of Mark Farner and the compentent drumming of Don Brewer.
I like to use this this quote whenever (if-ever) I do something stereotypically ... well... adult. Like buying RRSPs from my banker. Or convenience store clerk. Where do they sell those damn things anyway?

"You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
-- Mayor Quimby
This is how Quimby responded when the town charter revealed Springfield was still a 'dry' town. I don't think I can add anything to this quote. I can't make it any more funnier or any more true.

"Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket...let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated"
-- Homer J. Simpson
Homer sees Nantucket on a map...ehh...this is rarely used -- but if a certain island in Massachusetts ever comes up in conversation -- you're golden.

"Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!"
-- Ralph Wiggum
Oh Ralphie, where do I begin to start. Your non-sequiters, grammatical errors and foolish statements speak to the retarded child in all of us (see also: my cat smells like cat food, I bent my wookie and Me fail english? That's unpossible!).

"Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now, where were we, oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
-- Abe (Grampa) Simpson
Hired by Mr. Burns to quell union unrest, Abe can't break heads like he could as a strike-breaker in the '30s. He can bore people with pointless stories, I just use this to mock old and/or boring people.

Like I said...I want at least fifty replies. Post your favourite Simpson quotes. I know that I have between eight and twelve loyal readers. Surely to God...Surely to appease my own ego...For the love of the teddy bear Mohammed...Just post your favourites.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Okay, I admit it. Lee Harvey Oswald probably acted alone.
NASA likely landed a man on the moon.
Elvis is really dead and Paul McCartney is actually alive.
I do have a weird appreciation for conspiracy theories, though. I am fascinated by the fact that, when you convert the letters in Bill Gates III to ASCII and add them up, the sum is 666. Actually, I’m more fascinated by the type of person who would go to all that work.
No word on what you get when you add up William Henry Gates, William Gates the Third or Billy H. Microsoft using the same formula. My guess is it ain’t the Number of The Beast or I would have heard about it.
A good conspiracy theory is like watching someone work on four different jigsaw puzzles with a magnifying glass and a hammer and finish with a picture that looks almost real. I assume I wouldn’t be so captivated if I were Jewish, but then again, I’d be too busy controlling the World Bank, Hollywood and Professional Roller Derby to care.
That said, the alternative media can be a huge educational tool. For example, did you know…

...Germans landed on the moon in 1942? According to writer Vladimir Terzski and others, including noted Canadian douche-bag Ernst Zundel, Nazis established a moon base with their super excellent technology. (Earlier in his career, Zundel sold $10,000 tickets to an expidition to said moon base.) Really, It’s a wonder we aren’t all speaking German and wearing clothing designed by Hugo Boss. Apparently, when the Americans and Russians collaboratively landed on the moon in the 1950s (and you thought no one landed there at all) they used the secret Nazi underground bases as their own. Waste not want not, I guess.
During the Nazi adventure in Outer Space, they purportedly encountered several alien races, including…

…the Giant Lizards who rule the world. So says ex-Coventry City goalkeeper, BBC commentator and alleged anti-Semite (is anyone noticing a theme here?) David Icke.
Admittedly, this is quite a complex theory involving the Illuminati, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and, well, long story short, twelve-foot reptilian aliens from the constellation Draco that rule our planet.
Oh yeah, and they shape-shift.
Among their numbers? Princess Diana, George Bush Jr. & Sr. (obviously), Brian Mulroney, the entire House of Windsor and, according to Wikipedia, Boxcar Willie. I swear I didn’t make that up ... God I love Wikipedia. Most of the American government are involved ... the same government who created ...

…the Chupacabra! The scourge of Latin American livestock, the Chupacabra (literally translated as goat sucker) was created by the CIA as a weapon gone wrong. The Central Intelligence Agency wanted a weapon/mythical creature that would strike fear into the heart of the Viet Cong. They tested it down south and it escaped, Agent Orange didn’t enough. America needed the blood of Vietanmese goats drained.
And the chickens?
Don’t even get me started on what full blooded Vietnamese chickens can do to a war effort.
Any hair and DNA samples, bite marks or foot-marks or that prove it’s just a big fucking dog are merely smokescreens.
Jews everywhere are relieved goat sucking isn't their fault.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Commandments -- Eleven Through Twenty

Even in biblical times, attention spans were fairly short. Moses had to do some judicious editing to keep the Isrealites on topic while he brought down the Ten (alleged) Commandments.
Especially with all the Golden Calf worshipping that was going on while he was fetchin' them.
After he went to all the trouble of leading them out of Egypt? Oy vey ... you fickle, fickle Israelites! When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?

Subsequent expeditions by Finnish archeologists have unearthed and peiced together the sacred stone tablets that Moses had edited for the sake of brevity. They were also edited because flush Toilets, Led Zeppelin and Dave Keon had not yet been created and it would have confused --not only the Isrealites -- but everyone born before the 20th Century.

Still, here are the Commandments that time forgot and that Moses willfully ignored:

11. Thou Shalt Not Read The Bible While Seated On The Toilet

12. Verily, I Say Unto Thee, The First One Who Smelt It, Dealt It

13. On The Seventh Day, God Created Led Zeppelin

14. Thou Shalt Honour No Dogs Before Me (Theologians suspect God was a bit dyslexic. He found a sympathetic teacher and a speach therapist and became the God we know today. Very Inspiring!)

15. The Maple Leafs of Toronto Shan't Win The Cup of Lord Stanley 'till Dave Keon is Appeased.

16. An Apple a Day Keepeth the Doctor Away.

17. Thou Shalt Not Lie Down With a Man as Thou Wouldst With a Woman. Unless You're Gay. Or Bi-Curious.

18. An Admiration for the Prophet Bob Marley Maketh Not One Rastifarian Alone. Also -- you're not Irish 'cuz you once went to a Pogues concert.

19. Let He Who Is Without Sin Be Nailed Up to a big Fuckin' Chunk of Wood and Mocked Unmercifully By Roman Soldiers, (In retrospect, I assume God regrets this one.)

20. Taketh The Preceeding Nineteen Commandments With a Tiny Grain of Salt. Everything Shall Be Situational.


Friday, November 9, 2007

I'm gonna kill an endangered turtle...

...and make a fashionable hat from it's shell.

Seriously, no one has been 'green'er than me. I've voted for the Green Party four times. I recycle more whisky bottles, club soda cans and jokes about dogs without noses than anyone on my block. I've checked their blue boxes and their blogs.

I win.

I'm quite sick of being lectured by people who use more airplane fuel, gasoline and A/C electricity than I do. Seriously, I'm only using nine more times resources than my African equiviilant. Can you say the same, celebrities?
From now on, for every picture I see of Al Gore with any Hollywood A, B or C-lister ... I'm going to kill an owl. The most endangered owl I can find. Maybe even a peacock, but they are hard to find in this climate.

An environmental backlash is gonna come and I may as well be on the forefront. Mr. Gore had eight years to clean up the environment while he was in office. Mr. George Clooney or Mr. Shia LaBeouf or Mr. Norman Fell have had, I suppose, even longer.

You do more good than me, Mr. Gore, I'll admit ... but I do less harm.

If environmentalists don't stop preaching unless they start doing...well...we will all start looking for endangered turtle hats while we throw styrofoam containers out our SUV's and voting for the Grey Party.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Very Bad Poetry

Drunkenly trying on clothes
I questioned, “What the hell?”
And she told me this parable
She said, “My dog has no nose.”
I asked, “How does he smell?”
Her answer to me? “Terrible”.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Is it sad that I'm pushing 40-years-old and...

...The Ramones can still make me drunkenly pogo around the room?
...I still get pissy about a certain Toronto hockey team chronically under-achieving?
...I think cartoons (The Simpsons, Home Movies, Roger Ramjet, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle) are the epitome of American art?
...I think of people who don't wanna mix pills and booze, for fear of a bad reaction, as 'pussies'?
...I still check the music charts to see what 'the kids' are listening to these days?
...and the fact I automaticly assume that music won't affect 'the kids' the same way Pleased To Meet Me, Nevermind or The Joshua Tree affected me?
...and that I call them 'the kids'?
...I still think Elvis Costello is hip?
...insist on an open bar at my funeral and playing 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go?' as they walk me to my hole in the ground?
...the three people I'd like to get drunk with? Hunter Thompson, Henry Rollins and Joan of Arc.
Thank you all, goodnight...Rock 'n' Roll...Yeaaaaaah!

Friday, October 5, 2007

A Short Note Thanking Wine...

...For reminding me that, even though I worked twelve hours at a meaningless McJob today ...

There is still music I like.
I'm in the middle of a good book.
I can get lost in my PlayStation.
I have TWO DAYS OFF IN A ROW coming up.
I get laid on occasion
I can beat any man east of The Pecos River at bare-knuckle boxing.

Granted, the last one is a delusion created by insomnia, an empty stomach, three Amitriptylne and two bottles of wine.
I won't feel like this tomorrow morning. I know it's kinda stupid to be getting loaded when I have to work in ten hours. Sorry but, if my id had a voice it would sound like Foghorn Leghorn. If my super-ego had a voice, it would sound like Hans Moleman.
I am, you'll be glad to know, drinking lots of water, will take some vitamins and going to bed relatively early.
But, to paraphrase my friend Neal, 'Why have a crappy job if you can't get drunk the night before?'
It's not as bad as we think.

(post script: It is now tomorrow morning. I am at the above job. Reading this does make me feel a little better, despite my mild hangover.
And despite the fact that the cat took a dump on my bedroom floor.
Which I stepped in.
Good times.)

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Top Five Simpsons Exchanges I (Over)Use In Everyday Situations...

I'm of a generation/mindset that speaks in Simpsons quotes.The same way those damn hippies didn't "trust anyone over thirty," I don't trust anyone who doesn't chuckle knowingly when I reference Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll, yell "Save me Jebus," or tell someone, in a high-pitched voice that "My cat's breath smells like cat-food".
I rely on many, many Simpsons quotes but I will only deign to explain how to use my top five ... well, six, but "Disco Stu likes disco music" is self explanitory.

So, with no further ado...

Lisa and Abe (Grandpa) Simpson are commiserating that no-one takes them seriously..
It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!
Homer then pulls a can of 'Nuts and Gum' from the cupboard.
Homer: Mmmm...Nuts and gum...together at last.

This is to be used whenever you want to justify an unpopular/Pollitically Incorrect/hare-brained idea. Works every time. Automatic argument winner.

When Homer becomes team leader at Globex Corporation, run by evil genius/genuinely nice guy Hank Scorpio, he decides his underlings would benefit from naps. He seeks advice from his new boss
Uh, hi Homer. What can I do for you?
Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places There's The Hammock Hut ... that's on third.
There's Hammocks-R-Us ... that's on third too. You got Put Your Butt There?
Swing Low Sweet Chariot ... Matter of fact they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer (matter-of-factly):
Oh, the hammaock district.
That's right.

This can be used sarcastically whenever someone suggest buying any obscure product. "Oh yeah, we'll pick that up in the absinthe district on Laclie".

When Homer is waiting for snow plowing after watching his budget late-night commercial.
Homer: And now we play the waiting game...(Homer tents his fingers and waits three comic beats. Then, with child-like glee)
... Ah, the waiting game sucks. let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"

Use this whenever you have to wait for anything...just for your own amusement. The waiting game DOES suck and Hungry Hungry Hippos DOES rock.

After Bart chronicles Homers' rage-filled tendancies in an on-line comic, "Angry Dad", Marge takes Homer to task for his temper.
I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks.
No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now.
(cut to Homer punching Snowball II)Later, Homer admits she's right...
It's true! I'm a rageholic. I just can't get enough rageohol!

Use this whenever you are caught in a moment of inexplicable rage ... or whenever someone finds you indulging in your baser pleasures by punching the cat in the armpit. It defuses the situation every time.

After Bart is summoned to Austrailia after he insults the entire nation, he absent-midedly flicks a jack knife in a stereotypical Aussie pub. A Crocodile Dundee clone approaces him parodying the movie and, pulling out a spoon, says...
Stereotypical Austrailian Guy:
You call that a knife? THIS IS A KNIFE!
That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
Stereotypical Austrailian Guy:
Alright, alright, you win, heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

This should be used whenever you want to point out the Kafkaesque senselessicity of a situation or you want to impress people with your fake Austrailian accent. I do both very well, often at the same time.

Feel free to leave your own favourites below.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Every Woman Has The Right To Be Fabulous...

( ed. note This is an excellent example of Brian being drunk and self-righteous. While he hates the idea of North American women fighting for the right to be fabulous while Afghani women fight for the right to be educated, he has done nothing to fix the problems of inequality or poverty. You may mock Brian, but that doesn't make what he drunkenly wrote less true.
In his defense, he once sent some old winter coats he didn't need anymore to Africa by Fed Ex but they found this somewhat puzzling and mostly insulting.)

... says the recent Bay advertisement.
I'm sure that's a relief to every female in Darfur.
It's no wonder people in Third-World countries hate North Americans. (Quit being so smug, Canadians. They hate you too.)
I don't begrudge any woman the right to look fabulous ... I just think we should secure the right for any woman ... or man, for that matter ... to have clean drinking water first. Maybe we can work on arable land or rudimental medicine for everyone before we stage a march for soccer moms looking good in their khakis.
The right to a basic educations vs. cute belly-shirts for all. Hmm... The right to wear a thong, if you feel like it, vs. the right not to have to wear a veil, if you don't feel like it. The right to lose fifteen pounds to fit into your high-school jeans vs. the right to gain fifteen pounds and not die of malnutrition.
Maybe it's time we worried less about our beautiful, oh-so-sexy pant-legs and more about constantly kicking Afica off our beautiful, oh-so-sexy pant-legs.
Sorry. I'll try to be funny next time. Maybe by ripping off Simpsons quotes.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Eleven Drinking Songs You Have To Download Right Now...

...or when you get home from work. I'm flexible.

Tonight The Bottle Let Me Down - Merle Haggard
Streams of Whiskey - The Pogues
The Piano Has Been Drinking - Tom Waits
You're Not Drinking Enough - Don Henley
Here Comes A Regular - The Replacements
Beer Ain't Drinkin' - Mojo Nixon
Hungover Together - The Supersuckers
My Drinkin' Problem - Hank III
What Made Milwaukee Famous - Jerry Lee Lewis
Whiskey and Wimmen - John Lee Hooker
Women Without Whiskey - Drive-By Truckers

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Now The Cat Is Judging Me...

...Because I drink too much. I swear on Christ's wrinkled scrotum that Foster Cat Dexter just gave me a dirty look because I stopped the frontal-cat-face-rubbing to go get a drink.
Well...Fuck the cat. I've disappointed better than him -- real humans, most of them.
Usually women.
It's all worth it for that warm sense of well-being; that sweet spot between realizing you shouldn't drive and becoming a spastic lunatic -- or at least acting weird enough to make right-thinking people nervous.
That is the zone I presently occupy and in 30 minutes, it will be gone.
For the next half hour I will see my potential to become the wild-eyed anarchist I always suspected I am. I will fully believe it's possible to disconnect myself from the system, set up an armed compound in the woods and grow weed to support myself, a couple of dogs and a insidious whiskey habit.
At the very least, I could open up a bar/book store with comfy armchairs and a juke box that plays both the Jesus And Mary Chain and Dean Martin.
I could start working out again while getting a mail-order doctorate in philosophy from Western University. I could learn to play the piano while trying to restart the Rhinoceros Party of Canada. I could plant a vegetable garden while maintaing an anti-Papist website.
For the next...well it's down to ten minutes now ... I can vividly imagine becoming the man I was supposed to be. And since I've only got ten minutes left before I start brooding or become violent, I'm not gonna waste it on you fuckers. I hope you are not too disappointed.

Rest In Peace, Britt.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Become A Big Crazy Drunken Uncle...Make A Difference

Every year, thousands of Canadian children go without a seemingly sinister but ultimately benign male role model who lives in a basement, is 'keeping it real' and will buy them peach schapps when they turn fifteen. Big Crazy Drunken Uncles is a program designed to let the youth know they have choices.
Not necessarily good choices...I wish I'd stayed in school.
But choices, none the less.

Program Description:

Big Crazy Drunken Uncles act as positive ... well ... as some kind of role model. They provide friendship, guidance and beer-runs to young men whose parents are overly sheltering. This mentoring relationship exposes boys to anarchy and alternatives to becoming self-sufficient and responsible young men.

It's simple, too. You and your "Underling" can share the kinds of activities you already like to do, such as:

Playing violent video games
Going on road trips
Cow Tipping
Secretly smoking weed
Enjoying obscure rock bands
Moving Outhouses Six Feet Backwards (applicable to 1920's Drunken Uncles only)
Mixing drinks -- "Two cubes, light on the soda and no lemon! Do I look like a woman?"

Mission Statement:

Our mission is to empower boys and young men who face environmentally or emotionally challenging parents, primarily through a mentoring relationship during holidays and family reunions. Our goal is to help our little nephews achieve their 'highest' (he he) potential as they grow to become non-conformists who desire to 'stick it to Whitey'.

No pervs or British people need apply.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Super-Duper Hot Dogs a la Brian

White bread and pig anus never tasted so good! Serve when you're just kicking back or when that special someone comes over for a romantic rendez-vous. Substitute salsa for relish if you're feeling ethnic.

1 pack of wieners
1 1/2 packs of WonderBread (tm) hot dog buns
3 tbsp of mustard
12 packets of ketchup (or catsup)
3 tbsp of relish
6 slices of processed cheese

In a saucepan, heat one litre of water until bubbling and steaming. Add wieners and cook for five minutes. Remove saucepan from heat.

Slice cheese in half and place on twelve open WonderBread (tm) buns. With tongs (not fingers!) place wieners on buns. Garnish with mustard, ketchup and relish to taste. Enjoy!

serves two

Saturday, July 28, 2007

A Review Of The Jason Isbell Concert at The El Mocombo...

...that doesn't really contain any artistic insights. Or whether you would have liked it. Or anything other than calling George a PUSSY and bragging about our heroic intake of cocktails.

8:50 pm : Neal and I decide we should phone George and remind him I made a special trip to Toronto to see this show -- all the while having drinks.

8:51 pm : Drinks are had.

8:54 pm : George is phoned. He says he will phone back.

8:57 pm : More drinks are had.

9:16 pm : George shows up while drinks are being had. He says he can not attend the show, but will join us in drinks. He brings no drinks of his own.

9:18 pm 'til 10:56 pm : Neal makes George overly elaborate, two-assed drinks while I hold court in the back yard; speaking of literature and cinema and other things I pretend to know about.

10:57 pm : I mention we should head to the club. I think I also tell them that 'women never really faint and villians always blink their eyes and children are the only ones that blush and that life is just to die'. I, unfortunately, sometimes think that I am Lou Reed when I am in the grip of the grape.

10:58 pm : More drinks are had. George is once again called a PUSSY.

11:19 pm : Neal and I head out for the show, George heads home as the chant of "Georgie, Georgie, he is gay ... not in the sexual but informal way" ring through Neal's street. Neal's neighbours, save one surprising exception, are not amused.

11:27 pm - 12:14 am : We arrive at the show at half-time. We make our way in -- cover chargeless -- and order drinks. They are not of the stregnth we require. We try again, hoping it was just a bad pour. It was not. We order wine as it is harder to short-pour.

12:01 am - 1:03 am : Here the time line grows fuzzy. Two or three glasses of wine are consumed. The show commenced at some point. I enjoyed it. I bought the album 'Sirens Of The Ditch". You should buy it too.

1:04 am - The show ends and Neal suggests heading for stronger drink.

1:09 am - Sometime Before 2:00 am - My God! They serve ridiculously strong whiskey-based drinks at this bar. The bartender has huge tits and shows them off as a tip-gathering tool. It works. I'm pretty sure I left 14 extra bucks on the table.

Around 2:00 am - We call a cab and return home. Here it grows hazy. Drinks may have been had when we got home. I found half a 7-11 chicken pita thing in the fridge the next day. Due to Neal's dietary restrictions, it must have been mine. I think I listened to a book on Neal's computer that told me Romanian gypsies often name their children Engmarlen in honour of Engels, Marx and Lenin.
I hope, for the gypsy childrens' sake, it was a dream.


a starving turtle
will it eat a butter tart?
don't know...not likely.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Then I Woke Up and It Was Only A Dream...

A dream Barb had sometime between 7:OO and 9:30 pm, Sunday, July 22, 2007 - as related by Barb... pretty much kidding.

"So I dreamed Johhny Cash was still alive - which wasn't news 'cuz in my dream he never died - but he got lost. He was wandering around and somehow found his way into my bedroom. So I slept with him while my sister-wife watched. Then I dreamed there was a mouldy patch in my bedroom carpet and I looked under it and there were turtles living there. For some reason I thought my brother would like some turtles so I called him. He was supposed to be in the area, but he didn't show up fast enough. Then Tony Bennett got lost and wandered into my room. I asked him if he wanted the turtles but he wasn't very interested. Then I slept with him while my sister-wife watched. I asked my sister-wife if this bothered her because she was a Christian. She said 'no' but I didn't believe her. Oh yeah, then one of the turtles got stuck to my face."

Friday, July 13, 2007

Brian Vs. God: The Debate Continues...

... and please understand I'm talking about the traditional Christian God, not Allah or any of his prophets or underlings. They're all swell people/deities -- stand-up guys, each and every one -- and not a fit subject for mockery. All praise be to Allah.

Acts of Brian usually involve the smoke detector going off at 3 in the morning. Once, he put his head through the drywall while sleepwalking. Pretty tame stuff.
Acts of God, on the other hand, usually end in someone's shit getting seriously fucked up.

Edge: Brian

God created the heavens and the earth, coming in under budget and earlier than his seven-day deadline. A pretty good trick, really.
Brian has created a couple of little remote control cars from a kit and a blasphemous blog.

Edge: God

God requires your constant and eternal devotion and fear.
As does Brian.

Edge: Draw

God has a bunch of rules that he put into a Letterman-style top ten list. He also has bunch of people and lifestyles he strongly dislikes, most of which he didn't even bother to mention in his book.
With Brian ... anything goes. He encourages you to break any of the Big-Ten rules if the situation calls for it. Brian doesn't care about your lifestyle as long as you don't diddle kids. He does encourage you to stay in school and not smoke crack, though.

Verdict: ...depends on your point of view

Brian wasn't created from a ancient need to expain the world around us and terrify the masses into behaving themselves.
God ... well ...err... ahem ... yeah.

Edge: Brian

Verdict: Despite the fact that Brian hasn't accomplished nearly as much as God, he nudges out The Supreme Being by destroying much less and by actually existing.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Has Anyone Ever Seen George Bush & Cartman In The Same Room?

They Both Hate Hippies and Poor People

They Both Get Upset If You Don't Respect Their Authority

They Have Both Pretended To Be Robots For About A Week

Their Secret Ninja/Presidential Powers Are Both To Have All The Powers They Want

They Are Both Oblivious To How Much Normal People Hate Them

Their Moms Both Starred in German Schiezen Videos

The Nine Best Songs You Likely Haven't Heard ...

...but maybe you have. I'm kind of an arrogant prick who assumes the public-at-large aren't listening to anything that isn't Fergalicious.
When it comes to art, the concept of the NINE-BEST-ANYTHING!!! is silly. If your nine favourite songs are all contained on Snowbird: Anne Murray's Greatest Hits or The Best of Grand Funk Railroad, well, good for you! (I will admit, with the right combination of qualludes and beer, Grand Funk kinda rock.)
Music is meant to be enjoyed, not dissected. This realization lead me to pack in my rock-critic career. Well, that, and the fact that I was no longer allowed to interview Sony artists after the ... unpleasantness. Oh, and it didn't pay very well. When it did pay, the cheques usually bounced.
Okay, you got me...I'd still be doing it if I weren't an ill-behaved wino who needs some money.
That said, and with all due contempt for my reading public (who must number four or five, by now) I present the Nine Best Songs You May Not Have Heard, Assuming You Live In Canada and Really Like That James Blunt Song They Just Can't Play Enough On The Radio:

Colin Hay - I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
The guy who used to be the face of Men At Work. We aging hipsters only hate Men At Work because they were popular and originated in the 1980's. The songs were actually pretty good. This song is very good. I hate emotion -- I think it's a sign of weakness -- but it kinda makes me wanna cry.
You may have heard this song in that mostly-unwatchable movie the guy from Scrubs wrote, starred in, catered and directed. The one that proclaimed 'I'm more than just a sitcom actor with impeccable comic timing - I'm an ARTIST!'.
It was either called The Peter Principle or Garden State.

The Coup - Laugh/Love/Fuck
"I'm here to laugh, love, fuck and drink liquor/and help the revolution come quicker"
The best political hip-hop conglomerate since Public Enemy.

Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper - This Land Is Your Land
It starts out as a straight-forward Woody Guthrie homage and veers into Mojo World, where there are go-kart tracks going through the loop-de-loops in the waterslides and liquor stores open 24 hours a day. How do you get to Mojo World? "Turn right at the light, go past the trailer parks and stand naked, singing in the blazing sunlight of liberty".

Dan Bern - Jerusalem
Imagine Bob Dylan has a sense of humour he let the rest of us in on.

Menthol - Dry Heaves (of the Well Adorned)
Signed to Capitol Records during the mid-90s' frenzy of snapping up bands that didn't sound like Winger, Menthol deserved commercial success more than ... well ... every other band from that period other than Nirvana. It didn't happen. Better luck next time, boys.

The Frames - Pavement Tune
As advertised, a fine driving song. I don't drive, mind you, so take that with a grain of salt. Definitely the best song for driving little remote controlled cars around your living room ... ever.

NOFX - Drugs Are Good
... and if you do them people think that you're cool.

The Drive By Truckers - Shut Up and Get On The Plane
"We've been this close to death before, we were just too drunk to know it. I guess the price of being sober is being scared out of your mind." My Favourite Band, I think.

The Rolling Stones - Satisfaction
Just kidding. Whatever happened to those guys, anyway?

Friday, July 6, 2007

Go Ahead ... Sue Me Goodwill!

I worked at Goodwill for almost eight years. I rose from a spoiled, unionized employee to a manager, caught in the crossfire between upper management fuckwits who don't really understand the meaning of charity and spoiled, unionized employees. I eventually quit but at least I got to, ummm, confiscate, a lot of inappropriate donations while working there. All for the public good, of course.
Oh, Fuck Off. At least I was only ripping off the stuff we couldn't sell. Such as:

A Mace (or is it a Flail?)

While trying it out, I discovered why mace-flaillers in the Middle Ages wore gauntlets -- spiky ball bounceback. Ouch.
I was told it's worth about $300 because of some weird casting process used in making the ouchy part. I wasn't really listening. I was thinking "Cool...I have a flail (or is it a mace?)".

Asian Pornography

Lots of porn really, not just asian. Big tit porn, vanilla porn, erotica, big ass porn, clown fetish porn, pornography in jigsaw puzzle form and auto-felatio porn innocuouslly tiled Postion Impossible (I'm not kidding, it still gives me nightmares).
The Asian porn is the porn I remember most. I was having a cigarette by the donation bin outside when this dirty-old-man ... a caricature of a dirty-old-man really ... handed me a plastic bag, said, "You'll enjoy this." and winked. Three graphic dvds chock-full of Asian female debasement.
As the boss, it was within my rights to keep all three but, at the end of the day, I called my two male co-workers into the office and distributed it evenly. That's what being a leader is all about.

Many Airplane Bottles of Liquor

How desperate do you have to be to get drunk on a plastic bag full of bottles of raspberry vodka and coconut rum?
Not very. Free booze is free booze.
I should warn those so inclined not to drink any touristy bottles of tequilla from Mexico with a sombrero for a cap that are glued to a slab of wood next to a fake cactus. It made me break out in a rash.

Pellet Guns

Also -- Hunting Knives, Slingshots, a Sword and one Crossbow Pistol (which is illegal to own in Ontario so I didn't keep it and can't find any ammunition for, anyway).

Old Prescription Drugs

Codeine, Percocet, Valium, several non-fun drugs and Methadone.
I didn't take the Methadone.
Marijuana wasn't uncommon (mostly left in purses and pockets) and also many bongs. Plus, something that might be ecstasy, but, I'm afraid to take because it might be estrogen.
I'm afraid to throw it out because it might be ecstasy.
There's never a club kid around when you need one.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Common words and phrases that have been ruined for me by pornography . . .

This entry would carry more weight being read aloud. If you are at work or are too shy, imagine James Earl Jones or Don Knotts reading the following list:

Flag Pole
Outdoor Water Fun
Rear Entry
Pearl Necklace
Wang (Both the Computer and Vera)
Button Hole
Back Door
Pie (especially Cream)
Bush (Bonus Points for Protest Signs Saying "Fuck Bush!")
Edward Scissor Hands
Busty Blonde Teen Gets Fucked Up The Ass And Loves It

If I've left any off the list -- which I'm sure I have -- feel free to post them.

Friday, June 29, 2007

A Little About Me...

I'm going to blow my own horn on this website. Other people will, in all likelihood, blow my horn on this website. If you want to see videos of people blowing my horn, go to I'll warn you now -- these people are mostly Barb or the indigent. This website costs $20 bucks a month (paypal or visa), and, quite frankly, is not worth your money.

But in the interest of trying not to lord over you regular folk, I will admit to some flaws.

1.) I feel uncomfortable eating bananas around gay men.

I know this is pretty immature. I have no problem with the gays. According to the 03/99 issue of The Advocate (in an article entitled 'That Brian Guy Is Pretty Cool'), they have no problem with me. Get married, gays. Adopt babies. What the hell, hit on me if you want. I know the secret that 98.7 % of straight men don't know. I can say 'no'. In truth I'd say 'no thank you". My mama raised me right.
I know they all are likely not picturing me making mouth sex with them. They have bigger things to worry about; their mortgages, their jobs, their right to adopt little South Korean babies: but it still creeps me out a little.
I have a homosexual friend -- I'll call him Cory -- who makes crude comments every time I eat a banana. Blame him. Sorry, homos! I'm not a bigot. It's your own fault.
Oddly, I have no problem with popsicles.

2.) I like to incite toddlers into acts of anarchy (or maybe irony).

Well, who doesn't? The fifteen most enjoyable minutes of the last six months (non-percocet related) invollved yelling 'burp', 'bum' and 'poo' with three toddlers who thought they were dirty words. They thought this was hilarious. I know the word 'hero' gets used a lot these days but they thought I was "better then all of the neurologists, firefighters and terrorist-interupting airline passengers combined!". Their words, not mine.
But...if they thought they were dirty words, weren't they ACTUALLY dirty words. Shouldn't we look at intent rather than actuality?

3.) I'm a drunk.

Actually, I'm a bon vivant. I'm a sensualist. I'm a gadabout. I am not an alchoholic. I'm ... I'm ... err ... SCREW YOU DR. SALLY WEXLER!!!

Those are pretty much all of my flaws. Besides that, I'm perfect.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

More flotsam for the world wide web

Just what the world needs...One more drunken idiot with an opinion and a means towards expressing said opinion.

Well...screw you.

The world needs me to tell it what to think about, um, things, I guess.
Pre-Brian Blog? Futile wars, world-wide poverty, pointless bigotry and Nickleback.
Post-Brian Blog? Who knows? I don't have a goddamn crystal ball or time machine. I figure it can't hurt though. I promise if I cause a famine or crappy post-grunge power ballads, I'll pack it in.

Just one note to my friends: Quit placing bottles of maple syrup next to my whiskey. This seems to cause me more problems than it causes normal people.

Handsome Devil