Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas to all my friends ...

...and have a safe and happy time celebrating the inexact birthday of God incarnate, born of a woman who was un-porked by man.
Jesus Christ, son-of-God but also God and I think the Holy Spirit as well (my theology here is admittedly a little weak) was born in order to perform a few miracles, abuse some moneylenders and say some genuinely nice things about the poor and the meek.
He then got himself nailed to a big chunk of wood as a human/divine being sacrifice to forgive mankind for Adam and Eve's original sin which ... well ... wasn't really mankind's mistake on the whole. And, in Adam and Eve's defence, it was kind of ... I believe the modern phrase would be ... entrapment. Creating a man out of dust, a woman out of his rib, telling them not to eat a specific apple and then sending a talking snake to urge them to have a nibble seems somehow like dirty pool. I'm not sure it would stand up in many courts of law. Dropping LSD after my parents told me not to didn't even get me kicked out of the house, let alone the Garden of Eden. The old man didn't staple my little brother to the garage door so he could forgive me either. God could have just forgotten about the entire bloody thing without Jesus getting nailed or Mary not, but who am I to question the will of The Almighty?
So there you go friends -- you're spared eternal damnation because of Christmas.

Unless you're a queer (Cory... Greg... are you paying attention?).

Or you covet your neighbour's herd (we all know about your sheep fetish, Bridgens).

Or somehow doubt the validity of the above story (sensible people, and Barb, I'm looking at you!).

So, Happy Xmas to one and all and try to remember the words of the philosopher Voltaire in the coming new year ...
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

Friday, December 14, 2007

Some Trivia You May Not Have Known About Brian...

...He finds the idea of Karma more palatable than the other pseudo-mystical horseshit he has been fed. The idea of 'Don't be a douche-bag lest it bite you in the ass' is much more appealing than some omniscient dude who frowns on abortion, infidels and pork.
He secretly suspects being a douche-bag will get you further in life. He doubts but hopes that the douche-bags will come back as dung beetles or electronics salesmen in the next life.

...He knows he's made a horrible mistake with his life...He just doesn't have a handle on fixing it since he now has to support both himself and The Tiny-Toothed Mayoress of Needy Town. If anyone wants to offer him a reasonable, adult-sized job -- please respond via this blog.
I'll warn you upfront -- He does drink. He really likes taking pills. Oh yeah, and he probably won't put up with your 'I'm the boss' shit. Other than that, he is a model employee.

...He thinks Alex Lifeson from the progressive rock 'n' roll band Rush is the best guitar player in the world ... based solely on the first two tracks of Permenant Waves.
Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton and Liona Boyd be damned.

...He misses Perry -- who has ruined New Year's Eve for Brian (you selfish prick, Perry) by snuffing it on that night -- and he has been a very, very bad god-father to Samantha.
Though it makes him become a bit maudlin at times, he hopes that Newfie bastard is resting in peace.

...He is a very bad electonics salesman -- he keeps telling people to go and invest more money in a Mac.
He doesn't sell them at his store and can't make a commission from it, but ... ehhh. It's a better computer ... and Vista is a pain in the balls.
Go buy an Apple computer. Spend the extra money.

...He doesn't really like Sex In The City, Friends or Degrassi: Anything ... He just pretends that to get laid. It rarely works.
He actually likes hockey, pornography and violence films.

...He hates this stupid foster-cat.