Monday, December 8, 2008

Screw My Ex-Girlfriend ... Please!!

(photo may appear different than actual ex-girlfriend)

I am currently seeking someone to mount my former girlfriend, who - for the purposes of this post - we shall call Skipper. Please roger her soundly!


Must be able to live up to the high rogering standards set fifteen years ago.
Must live in the Barrie-Midland-Orillia triangle. It is much like the Bermuda triangle except fashion sense, instead of ships or planes, tends to disappear.
Must, every once in a while, be willing to take her to a movie or dinner. Make it look like an actual relationship.
Must be able to make Skipper laugh, living up to the high funniness standards set fifteen years ago.
Must accept a five-year-old who is funnier than I am, and a very tubby two-year-old who likes to give people the finger. And let's face it - what's funnier than a two-year-old giving people the finger? Maybe a two-year-old punching someone in the groin - then giving them the finger - but that's the Holy Grail of funny. I doubt we will see it in our lifetime.
Must drink less than the low standards set fifteen years ago.


Will put out after the second date if you get her drunk. Will put out on the first date if she's super drunk and you're buying -- but she won't do anything "icky". Don't want to spring for drinks? You're a cheap bastard ... but she will give it up within four dates
Will not be completely intolerable. Unless you call her, loaded, from another city claiming you won't be able to visit her as "you have important work to do."
Will, apparently, put up with your "foolishness and shenanigans."
Will make a nice pasta sauce.
Will find your flatulence - or flatulence related humour - terribly amusing.

Reply below (That's What She Said) with your age, employment status and ... well, that's about it.
If you're on the right side of fifty and have a job, you're pretty much in, dude.
High Five!