Monday, December 8, 2008

Screw My Ex-Girlfriend ... Please!!


(photo may appear different than actual ex-girlfriend)

I am currently seeking someone to mount my former girlfriend, who - for the purposes of this post - we shall call Skipper. Please roger her soundly!

You:

Must be able to live up to the high rogering standards set fifteen years ago.
Must live in the Barrie-Midland-Orillia triangle. It is much like the Bermuda triangle except fashion sense, instead of ships or planes, tends to disappear.
Must, every once in a while, be willing to take her to a movie or dinner. Make it look like an actual relationship.
Must be able to make Skipper laugh, living up to the high funniness standards set fifteen years ago.
Must accept a five-year-old who is funnier than I am, and a very tubby two-year-old who likes to give people the finger. And let's face it - what's funnier than a two-year-old giving people the finger? Maybe a two-year-old punching someone in the groin - then giving them the finger - but that's the Holy Grail of funny. I doubt we will see it in our lifetime.
Must drink less than the low standards set fifteen years ago.

She:

Will put out after the second date if you get her drunk. Will put out on the first date if she's super drunk and you're buying -- but she won't do anything "icky". Don't want to spring for drinks? You're a cheap bastard ... but she will give it up within four dates
Will not be completely intolerable. Unless you call her, loaded, from another city claiming you won't be able to visit her as "you have important work to do."
Will, apparently, put up with your "foolishness and shenanigans."
Will make a nice pasta sauce.
Will find your flatulence - or flatulence related humour - terribly amusing.

Reply below (That's What She Said) with your age, employment status and ... well, that's about it.
If you're on the right side of fifty and have a job, you're pretty much in, dude.
High Five!

63 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey I'll do her.

Barb said...

He's not kidding - I've had Skipper's pasta sauce. It's delicious!

Anonymous said...

Single AND willing to settle for less?! Sounds like this "Skipper" has the whole package!
I can't believe you let her get away!

Anonymous said...

I ran into Skipper at the bar the other week...many times she grabbed me by my junk.
I am a raging homo and I know a sure thing when I feel it...grabbing my cock in public.

Go forth and Screw...she is ripe.

Skipper said...

I am in the room!!!

Barb said...

I think we are focusing entirely too much on the cock-grabbing, and horniness. There's so much more to Ki ... I mean Skipper... what about the delicious pasta? The tubby finger-giving two year old? The putting up with foolishness? This woman dated THE AGING HIPSTER for three years, making her the Second Most Patient Woman On Earth!
Fellows, there's more to life than finding a woman who's desperate for a shag. When you find one who'll screw you, then laugh her head off when you cut one during the screwing, you should MARRY HER. There's only one of her...

Anonymous said...

I said "Carry me!".

Anonymous said...

I know for sure that I love me some Skipper... Think the pasta sauce is divine you should try the pizza or pulled pork, but hey that takes us right back to the debauchery at the bar... High praise for the Skipper ~ one could only be so lucky....

Anonymous said...

mmm I would definitely have thrown it into Skipper had the opportunity presented itself... but it did not seem appropriate at the gift thing the day after the wedding...

define icky please...

Anonymous said...

Skipper, I think it's up to you to "define" icky.
We're all curious....

Skipper said...

I don't have time today. It's Christmas Eve, after all. But I will say this: You can forget about the mistletoe belt buckles, boys!(complete list of icky to follow)

Merry Christmas!

Barb said...

I've known you a long time, Skip, and I'm here to help.
Some (but not necessarily all) things on Skipper's don't list: anal, 69, reverse cowgirl, facials, positions named after insects, groups, lights on, leather play, or anything German.
I do think she could be talked into role play - try sexy maid or naughty nurse.
(and to the person who commented about hitting on Skipper at her post-wedding gift opening, I agree, you don't say "I want to bone your daughter" when the father of the bride asks "what have you got for me, mafia?")

Anonymous said...

would it truly have been any worse than writing her name in butterscotch at a staff Christmas party?

probably not... we'll never know...

Skipper said...

I like butterscotch, and I like it drizzled on me (not by Barb - no offense, Barb)

Anonymous said...

well, you let me know... luckily, I too like butterscotch, it's only a couple seconds in the microwave to make the butterscotch drizzle-able...

Skipper said...

I'm free Saturday night... and I have a microwave.

Barb said...

Okay, everyone gets that "drizzling butterscotch" isn't a euphemism, right? At least not in this case...

Dee Licious said...

Skipper... you stay away from my man!!

Anonymous said...

euphemism? sir, I take umbrage at your callous slur that i would employ a euphemism during this negotiation...

now, to follow the directions given as to reply...

39, and yes, employed gainfully

and Hi Dee Licious! :*

Skipper said...

My ex-boyfriend, or as it turns out, my pimp, failed to inquire about some other important details.
You're employed, on the right side of 50, that's great, but do you drive (which would surpass the low driving standard set 15 years ago)?
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, how do you feel about foot rubs?

Barb said...

Wait one minute, did I get drunk and write a blog entry called "Screw my ex-boyfriend, please"? I don't think I did.
And, by the way Mr. Anonymous Flirtypants, last time I checked you weren't exactly a swinging single.
The Aging Hipster didn't say it, but you must also surpass the somewhat murky fidelity standards set fifteen years ago.

Anonymous said...

yes, I drive, no worries there

Barb, if you were drunk you may or may not remember having written such a blog entry... I'm not saying you did or did not, I'm just saying that I cannot comment specifically on the existence of such a blog entry...

Anonymous only because I still can't be bothered to create an identity here, but no my identity is not a secret, and you'll have to remind me of when the last time you checked was... maybe not exactly a swinging single... what's the degree of error on this?

Recalling a holiday favourite... "Papa says, 'If you see it in the Aging Hipster's blog it's so.' As the Aging Hipster didn't specifically say it, then not seeing it must mean it isn't so. Or something...

Oh, foot rubs... foot rubs are good =)

Aging Hipster said...

Mark you don't have to create an identity in here to leave a name. You just have to click on the part that says "Name/URL", then type in any name you like. For example "Oogie".
And you're right, there's really no way to know if I created that blog entry or not. I drink a lot.
Happy new year!
I feel it's important for you to know that Skipper's never lost a game of chicken. She's very stubborn... you may want to bow out gracefully.

Barb said...

Weirdness. That last comment came up saying that "The Aging Hipster" wrote it. But it was me, Barb. Just clarifying.

Mark said...

or I may not want to bow out... you may recall, I am stubborn also... and as I recall, Skipper is a pretty fine lookin' piece of tail... I think that's how the French say it... anyway, I digress...

anyway, what makes it difficult is I am not sure exactly who I am negotiating with... as The Aging Hipster posted originally, I thought he was the agent acting for the umm... for the... party of the first part... however, now you seem to be the spokesperson, and that's certainly hampering my ability to close the deal... all due respect lol

Barb said...

Mark, your negotiation is with The Aging Hipster - and if he ever sobers up from the holiday bender, I'm sure it can resume.

Now that you mention it, I do remember a certain amount of stubborness... I think I found it endearing at the time :)

Aging Hipster said...

Yes, the negotiations are indeed with me.
I don't know whether I could let Skipper go for any less than 20 camels, a case of Johnny Walker Blue, a carefully crafted sonnet and the return of my dignity.
Your move, my friend!

Anonymous said...

Ok, how about a pack of camels, three airplane bottles (one whiskey, one Baileys and something coconutty), a dirty limerick and a pep talk?

Aging Hipster said...

I'm afraid I can't go any lower than a carton of Camels, a bottle 40 oz. bottle of bourbon, a dirty haiku and a complete lack of disciplinary action.

Mark said...

4 pack of Camels, with a bonus picture of some camel toe... a 40 of bourbon... a stern finger wagging... and this:

My cock in her mouth
Warm and wet like summer rain
Oh... here's a towel.

Aging Hipster said...

That is the dirtiest haiku I have ever read.

SOLD!

I'll leave her in the mail box. Pick her up at your convenience.

Mark said...

it's cold out, just make sure whatever she is wearing has a red thong underneath....

Mark said...

ok ok... any colour thong...

Skipper said...

OK. I'm still here in my thong with my tub of butterscotch. When are you coming big fella?

Mark said...

as soon as you tell me where to fine you... don't want to mistakenly find the wrong woman in a thong and butterscotch

Barb said...

So, what else do you need Mark? A red carnation on her lapel?

Mark said...

nope... should not be any lapels anyway...

just tell me when & where to pick her up ;)

Skipper said...

I'll be in room 12 at the Holiday Motel Friday at midnight. Come and get me big boy!

Mark said...

if you;re serious Skipper, you call me and give me the password ;) someone up there must have my number

Skipper said...

No need for a phone call. I can give you what you want live and in person. You know where I'll be...

Barb said...

This is the oddest game of chicken I've ever witnessed... are you guys going to end up doing it, just cause neither of you is willing to back down?! I wonder what Stubborn Sex is like? I bet it's a lot like Angry Sex...
Oh well...
Skipper, I've been there - you're in for a treat!

Mark said...

well, I need Skipper's number... not only is it a little bit of a long drive to just cruise by to see if she's actually there, but I owe a bottle and some Camels to the Hipster if she is... ;)

Aging Hipster said...

Skipper, hurry up and put out. I need the bourbon and smokes. Not to mention the picture of camel toe. I hope it is Zooey Deschanel.

Silly Mark, I'd have let her go for the dirty haiku alone.

That was an outstandingly dirty haiku.

Kudos, my friend. Kudos.

Aging Hipster said...

Skipper, hurry up and put out. I need the bourbon and smokes. Not to mention the picture of camel toe. I hope it is Zooey Deschanel.

Silly Mark, I'd have let her go for the dirty haiku alone.

That was an outstandingly dirty haiku.

Kudos, my friend. Kudos.

Skipper said...

Well Aging Hipster, I'm glad that you still have the same respect for me that you always did. It really touches me deep in my heart.

Mark, I missed you last night ;)

Aging Hipster said...

Do you see me caring enough to pimp out any of my other ex-girlfriends? I haven't even released our "private tape" on the internet!
You should feel honoured and quit being a whiny little cry-baby.
"WAH! WAH!! My ex-boyfriend wants me to have a satisfying sex life, Poor Me!"

I'm looking out for your best interests, baby, and if I happen to get booze and smokes out it, well, bully for me!

Skipper said...

In that case I will say that it is quite an honour having you looking out for me. Whatever would I do without you!

Aging Hipster said...

You'd be sexless and I'd be sober.

Mark said...

I waited outside room 12... I figured maybe you were trying to find a small portable microwave suitable for heating up butterscotch in a motel room...

but, I had to leave by 1:00... the combination of the falling temperatures, and a steady parade of unshaven, vaguely boozy-smelling men asking "when do we get to catch some perch? is it perch time yet?" made me very uncomfortable...

let me know when you are next available... I am starting to crave the sticky sweetness of butter and brown sugar...

Skipper said...

I'm sorry we missed each other. I never did locate a microwave. I'll keep in touch. There really is nothing like butter and brown sugar all hot and drippy...

Mark said...

I'm sure it's an extra special treat when it's made into a Slippery Skipper Nipple...

Skipper said...

You're dirty ;)

Skipper said...

You're dirty ;)

Barb said...

Jesus Christ, will you two just do it already! Nipple talk makes Neal uncomfortable.

Mark said...

yes Skipper... we really should do it... I am tortured each night lately by visions of you in a thong and butterscotch, and while exhilarating, it leaves me aching as I end up imagining the real thing is infinitely better than the vision....

Barb said...

Wow! Mark, if this really is a game of chicken... I think you just won... what could she possibly say to that? Kudos!

Mark said...

damn... I was hoping winning would be when I was enjoying a Double Cupped Slippery Skippery Butterscotchy Nipply Sundae...

now the only way she could win is by saying she will be at room 12 of the Holiday Motel... and the actually be there ;)

Skipper said...

Do I at least get dinner and a movie first? Oh and I like flowers.

Barb said...

Skipper, I hope you're not imagining that asking for dinner and a movie is in some way calling Mark's bluff... for one thing, Mark is a gentleman, and for another, Mark is a fan of both dinner and movies. Nice try though :)

Mark said...

dinner, movie, flowers... yeah that'll stop him!

Skipper said...

So was that a yes?

Mark said...

yes, sure it's a yes

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