Saturday, February 23, 2008

Cat Truce Good For Local Economy, Says Mayor

A fragile feline peace was achieved in the Leith household Saturday morning as Fuzzy, Dexter and Becky suspended hostilities to pledge allegiance to Joan.
The sporadic fighting had been going on the better part of a week after Becky and Fuzzy were left at the Leith house while their owner, Neal Bridgens is vacationing in Spain.
"We realized this belligerence was counter-productive and keeping us from reaching our common goals," a spokesperson quoted from a written statement drafted by all three cats. "Namely, getting fed and annoying the bald, angry man in the living room. Quite frankly, we prefer the slow moving judgmental lady. She gives us food and yells less. Sometimes she gives us tuna water."
Sources say Brian Ellicott, the angry. bald man in question, has become a bit too liberal with the spray bottle, prompting the cats to band together. Barb Leith, speaking on condition of anonymity, said "He sprayed Becky ... Becky-Becky-Boo (hic). I mean, Fuzzy scratches and Dexter likes to fight but what's Becky ever done? Huh? Nuthin', that's what!"
The water bottle is allegedly not just used to keep cats in line.
"He sprayed me when I tried to take his cheese. I like cheese (hic). I just wanted some cheese," sobbed Leith.
When reached for comment, Ellicott issued a terse statement.
"I hate those fucking cats."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Top Five Most Influential Dead Celebrities

Norman Fell
Most famous for his role as Mr. Roper in Three's Company, Fell died of cancer in 1998 at the age of seventy-four. A character actor, Norman Fell appeared in the original Ocean's 11, It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World, Catch 22 and C.H.U.D. II: Bud The Chud.

Most Awesome Role?
Jack McGuire in The Kinky Coaches and The Pom Pom Pussycats (1981)
Mortal Enemy?
Don Knotts
Lasting Legacy?
Norman Fell didn't pioneer the concept of the comic misunderstanding with hilarious consequences but, brother, did he perfect it! Add that to his tendancy to break the 'fourth wall' and leer suggestively at the audience? Comedy gold.

Paul Lynde
Game show main-stay Lynde died of a heart attack in 1982, likely brought about by his fondness for drinking and drugging. Lynde had recurring roles on The Munsters and Bewitched but it was his gig as Center Square on Hollywood Squares that allowed him to spread his ... wings and and entertain us with thinly-veiled (ahem) gags about his homosexuality.
Host: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?Lynde: I don't have a third choice?

Most Awesome Role?Sportscaster on Son of Flubber (1963)
Mortal Enemy?Charles Nelson Reilly
Lasting Legacy?
Lynde paved the way for a generation of televised sassy homos. Without Paul Lynde, there would be no Niles from Frasier, no Jack from Will & Grace, Corky from Life Goes On (oh yeah...he is) and no Cory from My Life.

Dana Plato
Plato played Kimberly Drummond, Gary Coleman's adoptive sister on Diff'rent Strokes until she was fired for getting fucked up on the set everyday and, subsequently, pregnant. I suspect Conrad Bain.
She went on to appear in such diverse films as Bikini Beach Race, Lethal Cowboy and Different Strokes: The Story of Jack and Jill ... and Jill.
Although her 1999 death was labelled a suicide, Arnold and Willis swear it was just an ordinary drug overdose.

Most Awesome Role?
Lisa, Mike Seaver's girlfriend on Growing Pains, who tries but ultimately fails to get some Kirk Cammeron cock in 1985. (Thanks to Barb for this tidbit ... I'm proud to know you even though your right breast was itchy all day and when you finally investigated six hours later, found the cause was a Cool Ranch Dorito underneath.)
Mortal Enemy?Tootie from The Facts Of Life
Lasting Legacy?
Plato was THE child star fuck-up, arrested for robbing a video store with a pellet gun. Britney, Lindsay. Olsen Twins ... are you paying attention?

Redd Foxx
Best Known as Fred Sanford on seventies sitcom Sanford and Son, Redd Foxx had a very raunchy night club act in the sixties. My father used to have 8-tracks of the albums he released that he used to hide with his porno and ammunitiion for fear that they would warp my fragile young mind.
Foxx was a friend of Malcolm Little (later Malcom X) in the 1940s'. He died in 1991 on the set of the short-lived stcom The Royal Family of a heart attack. Sadly, cast and crew thought he was doing his "I'm coming Elizabeth" fake heart attack routine from Sanford and Son, laughed and did nothing.

Most Awesome Role?
Redd Foxx in The Redd Foxx Comedy Hour (1977)
Mortal Enemy?
Lasting Legacy?
Without Redd Foxx, there would be no Richard Pryor. Without Richard Pryor, there would be no Eddie Murphy. Without Eddie Murphy, there would be no Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. The world would be a poorer place.

Andre The Giant
Born Andre Rene Rousimoff, dubbed the 'eighth wonder of the world', Andre The Giant stood about seven-feet-tall and weighed about 500 pounds. Andre appeared in one of the best Sunday afternoon movies ever, The Princess Bride, and by all accounts got his co-stars Mandy Patinkin and Cary Ewles so drunk every night director Rob Reiner wanted to fire him. One night, Andre alledgedly drank 116 beers. When he passed out in a hotel lobby, his companions couldn't move him, so they grabbed the hotel piano and placed it over him so he wouldn't be disturbed. Ah, drunken logic ... how I love ya. Andre died in 1993 of congestive heart failure brought on by being a giant.
Oh yeah, he also wrassled.

Most Awesome Role?
Bigfoot in The Six Million Dollar Man (1976)
Mortal Enemy?
That fucker Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Lasting Legacy
There is no-one ... I repeat NO-ONE ... that drunken French giant children look up to more than Andre the Giant. No one!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I am going to shoot Jack Frost in the face...

...or perhaps I will try to disembowel God.
I don't care, whoever is responsible for this horrible fucking weather is going to get a severe beating.
Maybe I'll give Al Gore the pantsing of a lifetime for telling me horrible lies and getting my hopes up about global warming.

(Hipster's lawyer note: any threats made against former American vice-presidents are purely satirical and not actionable under American fair-comment laws. Fair comment is defined as a "common law defense [that] guarantees the freedom of the press to express statements on matters of public interest, as long as the statements are not made with ill will, spite, or with the intent to harm the plaintiff". Any threats, overt or implied, against Jack Frost or God are not considered actionable as both parties are completely fictional while Mr. Gore is only semi-fictional.)

All this snow is making my eye twitch constantly from rage. My lower back is in constant pain from shoveling. I can barely drag myself out of bed -- even on the rare occasion that I'm not hung-over. I know more snow has fallen; I know it will be very fucking cold indeed; and I know I will, in all likelihood, never see the sun shine again. I'm at the point where I feel like burning down a building -- not necessarily my place of work -- just to keep warm.

(Hipster's lawyer note: no overt threat was made and any fire at The Aging Hipster's place of work must be considered purely coincidental until a full arson investigation is complete.)

The constant snow that has plagued South-Central Ontario is the worst weather disaster I have witnessed in my lifetime. I'm sorry for your loss Indonesia, what with your nasty Tsunami.
New Orleans ... with that horrible Hurricane Katrina ... condolences all around but at least you didn't have to shovel it.

Plus, as a caucasian anything that happens to me merits more attention and, ergo, more sympathy. Sorry, People of Colour. I don't make the rules. I just enforce them.

(Hipster's ex-lawyer note: I feel I can no longer represent my client in good conscience but wish him all the best in the future.)