Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Return of Brian's Celebration of Booze, Pills, The Simpsons, Non-Sequiters and Nihilism

Sorry I ducked out on you, loyal reader(s) ... Unlike so many of your daddies, I had a good excuse.
No. I didn't go out for a pack of smokes and just didn't come back ... My computer, or Computey as I like to call her, crapped out.
I realize this might sound like an excuse ... I could have written you at work. I've done it before. Why not this time, Brian? Why did you abandon us?
Because I'm pretty sure that the good people at The Source by Circuit City are really looking for an excuse to fire me. My boss hired her bestest buddy and there are only so many hours to go around. I have to cover my ass so they'll have to can me without just cause, When they do, I can kick corporate ass ... or at least collect pogey.

In my roughly three-week absence I:

drank 3.75 litres of Canadian Club.

drank fourteen litres of wine.

smoked about half a joint.

bitched about John Ferguson Jr. to anyone who would listen

drank 48 Diet Dr. Peppers.

fought with one mustacioed District Manager.

egged one man's house and left a threatening note for his kids and their 'reject from the Village People' father.

bitched about the shoddy treatment of John Ferguson Jr. at the hands of Leafs managemant

ate two whole turkerys.

watched 48 episodes of The Simpsons.

watched one episode of Two-and-a-Half Men.

wanted my 22 minutes back.

watched Murray McLauchlan with Steve and a bunch of old hippies.

bitched about Cliff Fletcher to anyone who would listen.

no-one listened. no-one ever listens.

and drank nine more glasses of wine while I was writing this.

It was pretty much business as usual. I missed you.