Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Return of Brian's Celebration of Booze, Pills, The Simpsons, Non-Sequiters and Nihilism

Sorry I ducked out on you, loyal reader(s) ... Unlike so many of your daddies, I had a good excuse.
No. I didn't go out for a pack of smokes and just didn't come back ... My computer, or Computey as I like to call her, crapped out.
I realize this might sound like an excuse ... I could have written you at work. I've done it before. Why not this time, Brian? Why did you abandon us?
Because I'm pretty sure that the good people at The Source by Circuit City are really looking for an excuse to fire me. My boss hired her bestest buddy and there are only so many hours to go around. I have to cover my ass so they'll have to can me without just cause, When they do, I can kick corporate ass ... or at least collect pogey.

In my roughly three-week absence I:

drank 3.75 litres of Canadian Club.

drank fourteen litres of wine.

smoked about half a joint.

bitched about John Ferguson Jr. to anyone who would listen

drank 48 Diet Dr. Peppers.

fought with one mustacioed District Manager.

egged one man's house and left a threatening note for his kids and their 'reject from the Village People' father.

bitched about the shoddy treatment of John Ferguson Jr. at the hands of Leafs managemant

ate two whole turkerys.

watched 48 episodes of The Simpsons.

watched one episode of Two-and-a-Half Men.

wanted my 22 minutes back.

watched Murray McLauchlan with Steve and a bunch of old hippies.

bitched about Cliff Fletcher to anyone who would listen.

no-one listened. no-one ever listens.

and drank nine more glasses of wine while I was writing this.

It was pretty much business as usual. I missed you.


Anonymous said...

Glad to have you back. You were missed. Imagine my suprise when I clicked on the site expecting it to be a futile attempt to amuse myself ~ only to find myself amused. Thank you aging hipster, thank you!

Anonymous said...

I beg to differ... you know for certain I would listen, yet you did not bitch to me about he Silver Fox... or, for that matter, Jimmy Fox, Michael J. Fox, Redd Foxx, Guy Fawkes, or Samantha Fox... mmmm... Samantha Fox and her big woman-loving breasts...

Brian said...

Sorry buddy, it has become second nature to bitch about Leafs management but I didn't commit it to print yet. When "The Silver Fox' trades Mats for the right to negotiate with Carl Brewer, you'll be the first to hear about it.
As for Jimmy Fox ... never heard of him. Michael J. Fox? Shakey bastard. Redd Foxx and Guy Fawkes? Two personal heroes of mine. I won't hear a word against them. Samantha Fox gave me too much (self) pleasure as a tween, teen, young adult, adult and, yes, as a middle-aged wanker to complain about.

Anonymous said...

nah I got faith Cliffy will get 2 young regular roster players for Mats from whatever team he deals with... unless it's Detroit... those bastards have a knack for letting go only those players they know won't amount to more than a 'yeah i remember that guy' type...

Jimmy Fox...
NHL Totals 578 games 186 G 292 A 478 PTS 143 PIM
1979-90 LA Kings

not to be confused with Jimmie Foxx
Career statistics
AVG .325 HR 534 RBI 1922
* Philadelphia Athletics (1925-1935)
* Boston Red Sox (1936-1942)
* Chicago Cubs (1942, 1944)
* Philadelphia Phillies (1945)
BBHOF 1951

again I say... mmm Samantha Fox...

Cornholio said...

I don't barely get me enough aging hipster.