Monday, September 17, 2007

The Top Five Simpsons Exchanges I (Over)Use In Everyday Situations...

I'm of a generation/mindset that speaks in Simpsons quotes.The same way those damn hippies didn't "trust anyone over thirty," I don't trust anyone who doesn't chuckle knowingly when I reference Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll, yell "Save me Jebus," or tell someone, in a high-pitched voice that "My cat's breath smells like cat-food".
I rely on many, many Simpsons quotes but I will only deign to explain how to use my top five ... well, six, but "Disco Stu likes disco music" is self explanitory.

So, with no further ado...

Lisa and Abe (Grandpa) Simpson are commiserating that no-one takes them seriously..
It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!
Homer then pulls a can of 'Nuts and Gum' from the cupboard.
Homer: Mmmm...Nuts and gum...together at last.

This is to be used whenever you want to justify an unpopular/Pollitically Incorrect/hare-brained idea. Works every time. Automatic argument winner.

When Homer becomes team leader at Globex Corporation, run by evil genius/genuinely nice guy Hank Scorpio, he decides his underlings would benefit from naps. He seeks advice from his new boss
Uh, hi Homer. What can I do for you?
Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places There's The Hammock Hut ... that's on third.
There's Hammocks-R-Us ... that's on third too. You got Put Your Butt There?
Swing Low Sweet Chariot ... Matter of fact they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer (matter-of-factly):
Oh, the hammaock district.
That's right.

This can be used sarcastically whenever someone suggest buying any obscure product. "Oh yeah, we'll pick that up in the absinthe district on Laclie".

When Homer is waiting for snow plowing after watching his budget late-night commercial.
Homer: And now we play the waiting game...(Homer tents his fingers and waits three comic beats. Then, with child-like glee)
... Ah, the waiting game sucks. let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"

Use this whenever you have to wait for anything...just for your own amusement. The waiting game DOES suck and Hungry Hungry Hippos DOES rock.

After Bart chronicles Homers' rage-filled tendancies in an on-line comic, "Angry Dad", Marge takes Homer to task for his temper.
I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks.
No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now.
(cut to Homer punching Snowball II)Later, Homer admits she's right...
It's true! I'm a rageholic. I just can't get enough rageohol!

Use this whenever you are caught in a moment of inexplicable rage ... or whenever someone finds you indulging in your baser pleasures by punching the cat in the armpit. It defuses the situation every time.

After Bart is summoned to Austrailia after he insults the entire nation, he absent-midedly flicks a jack knife in a stereotypical Aussie pub. A Crocodile Dundee clone approaces him parodying the movie and, pulling out a spoon, says...
Stereotypical Austrailian Guy:
You call that a knife? THIS IS A KNIFE!
That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
Stereotypical Austrailian Guy:
Alright, alright, you win, heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

This should be used whenever you want to point out the Kafkaesque senselessicity of a situation or you want to impress people with your fake Austrailian accent. I do both very well, often at the same time.

Feel free to leave your own favourites below.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Every Woman Has The Right To Be Fabulous...

( ed. note This is an excellent example of Brian being drunk and self-righteous. While he hates the idea of North American women fighting for the right to be fabulous while Afghani women fight for the right to be educated, he has done nothing to fix the problems of inequality or poverty. You may mock Brian, but that doesn't make what he drunkenly wrote less true.
In his defense, he once sent some old winter coats he didn't need anymore to Africa by Fed Ex but they found this somewhat puzzling and mostly insulting.)

... says the recent Bay advertisement.
I'm sure that's a relief to every female in Darfur.
It's no wonder people in Third-World countries hate North Americans. (Quit being so smug, Canadians. They hate you too.)
I don't begrudge any woman the right to look fabulous ... I just think we should secure the right for any woman ... or man, for that matter ... to have clean drinking water first. Maybe we can work on arable land or rudimental medicine for everyone before we stage a march for soccer moms looking good in their khakis.
The right to a basic educations vs. cute belly-shirts for all. Hmm... The right to wear a thong, if you feel like it, vs. the right not to have to wear a veil, if you don't feel like it. The right to lose fifteen pounds to fit into your high-school jeans vs. the right to gain fifteen pounds and not die of malnutrition.
Maybe it's time we worried less about our beautiful, oh-so-sexy pant-legs and more about constantly kicking Afica off our beautiful, oh-so-sexy pant-legs.
Sorry. I'll try to be funny next time. Maybe by ripping off Simpsons quotes.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Eleven Drinking Songs You Have To Download Right Now...

...or when you get home from work. I'm flexible.

Tonight The Bottle Let Me Down - Merle Haggard
Streams of Whiskey - The Pogues
The Piano Has Been Drinking - Tom Waits
You're Not Drinking Enough - Don Henley
Here Comes A Regular - The Replacements
Beer Ain't Drinkin' - Mojo Nixon
Hungover Together - The Supersuckers
My Drinkin' Problem - Hank III
What Made Milwaukee Famous - Jerry Lee Lewis
Whiskey and Wimmen - John Lee Hooker
Women Without Whiskey - Drive-By Truckers