Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I am going to shoot Jack Frost in the face...

...or perhaps I will try to disembowel God.
I don't care, whoever is responsible for this horrible fucking weather is going to get a severe beating.
Maybe I'll give Al Gore the pantsing of a lifetime for telling me horrible lies and getting my hopes up about global warming.

(Hipster's lawyer note: any threats made against former American vice-presidents are purely satirical and not actionable under American fair-comment laws. Fair comment is defined as a "common law defense [that] guarantees the freedom of the press to express statements on matters of public interest, as long as the statements are not made with ill will, spite, or with the intent to harm the plaintiff". Any threats, overt or implied, against Jack Frost or God are not considered actionable as both parties are completely fictional while Mr. Gore is only semi-fictional.)

All this snow is making my eye twitch constantly from rage. My lower back is in constant pain from shoveling. I can barely drag myself out of bed -- even on the rare occasion that I'm not hung-over. I know more snow has fallen; I know it will be very fucking cold indeed; and I know I will, in all likelihood, never see the sun shine again. I'm at the point where I feel like burning down a building -- not necessarily my place of work -- just to keep warm.

(Hipster's lawyer note: no overt threat was made and any fire at The Aging Hipster's place of work must be considered purely coincidental until a full arson investigation is complete.)

The constant snow that has plagued South-Central Ontario is the worst weather disaster I have witnessed in my lifetime. I'm sorry for your loss Indonesia, what with your nasty Tsunami.
New Orleans ... with that horrible Hurricane Katrina ... condolences all around but at least you didn't have to shovel it.

Plus, as a caucasian anything that happens to me merits more attention and, ergo, more sympathy. Sorry, People of Colour. I don't make the rules. I just enforce them.

(Hipster's ex-lawyer note: I feel I can no longer represent my client in good conscience but wish him all the best in the future.)


Anonymous said...

racist prick!!! go to hel!!!

Anonymous said...

though what I figure you mean is Hell is also fictional, I am sure TAH would enjoy it's fictional warmth and endless lava flows... unless you mean hel as being the helvetorium, a vast and ancient museum of all things Swiss (cheese, army knives, neutrality, families Robinson) which I just now made up

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad it is snow and not bird shit. I would totally have to move.
Just trying to be positive.

Anonymous said...

I meant hell the place people who deny that Jesus Crist is King go.

Anonymous said...

in future, could you please refer to it in the manner in which we were all taught in parochial school...
H - E - double hockey sticks
thanx ;)