Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Thank You All For a Very Special Day

I wish I could shake the hand of everyone who attended Barb's Birthday Celebration on Saturday afternoon. I salute everyone whose planning and dedication turned the day into such a success. Planners -- whether you were able to attend or not -- you made the day really unforgettable. Kudos!
The floral arrangements were exquisite, the menu was delightful and the service was impeccable.
Whether you travelled across the province or across the city, your attendance truly made Barb feel as special as she deserves.
Those of you who were unable to attend for medical reasons -- your presence was missed but understood. Most, but not all, of us hope you are feeling better.

For those of you unable to attend or remember the after party, I have a few notes:

Three pairs of pants -- two unsoiled -- were turned in to Lost and Found. If you think these pants may be yours, please contact Cory with the size and description of the trousers in question.

Barbara will not be charged with sexual harassment of our waitress, the pizza delivery guy and the paramedic who arrived later in the evening. I would like to thank all three for accepting a written apology in lieu of a lengthy and messy civil suit that I think, we can all agree, would have cast a pall on the festivities.

While Greg claims he can "imitate an elephant", pulling one's pockets out and unzipping one's fly is not an accurate representation.

The "underpants optional" version of the invitation was an editing mistake and Neal would like to apologize to any hot chicks who received it in error.

George's parting declaration of "suck it bitches" was uncharacteristic and, quite frankly, rude but he has been under a lot of pressure recently. I think he misses working on Degrassi: The Next Generation.

Craig's potassium level -- due to the ingestion of banana cake -- remained relatively stable throughout the evening.

I don't actually believe Barbara is "worse than Hitler and Octomom combined" due to her love of The Celebrity Apprentice, People Magazine and spreading nasty cold germs. What I said was rooted in alcohol and anger and I would like to assure people Barbara is "still cool" despite my vehement assertions otherwise.

Once again, thank you to all who attended for contributing to a truly classy event.
If anyone knows the whereabouts of my own pants -- I've already contacted Cory without luck -- please let me know via this blog.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Write, Spell and Think Better, Job Seekers!

Nothing I've encountered inspires an equal amount of rage and amusement as a really bad resume.
While managing at Goodwill I once corrected the many grammar and spelling mistakes of a faxed resume and sent it back with "Try Harder" scrawled across the top.
Admittedly, I did it for my own amusement (plus I may have been high on painkillers) but I'd like to think I did the guy a favour.

Hiring potential ushers for the theatre has reawakened my hatred/secret glee about crappy writing skills. I'm sorry, but in this age of Spellcheck, mistakes are unacceptable. Especially the mistake of relying too heavily on Spellcheck, like the person who last worked at a temp agency and "went to various job placemats."

So, I suspect, did the guy who was working at a ski resort "which has just rapped up there season."

There is just no excuse for the woman who has "Excptional customer service skills and Experrience assisting irate customers." If her attention to detail is exemplified by her resume, I can see why her customers are irate.
But my personal favourite had to be "Excellent verbal and written communnication skills."

I can understand why one person, who works at a prominent fast food franchise, needs a new job. He listed his duties as "food items safely, neatly and efficiently." It must be annoying to be a food item -- but having to be safe, neat and efficient for minimum wage? Unacceptable!

My heart did go out to the person who finished three years of community college and relocated to a new town for an ultimately failed relationship.
"To be honest," the person wrote, "my heart was not in dental hygiene, therefore I went back to my home town to work for the cleaning company and follow my heart."
I could mock this on several different levels but I'll go with this: Why are you telling me this in a cover letter asking for a job?

I don't think hobbies should be listed on resumes, especially if they include "keeping busy" as one gentleman wrote.
And the guy whose list of qualifications decreased in font size to form a funnel shape kind of annoyed me. Seriously, dude ... I could barely read that you are a "proactive problem solver."

Sadly, I had to put some of these resumes in the 'Possible' file. If I excluded everyone whose resume was incredibly fucked up, I'd have a talent pool of three to draw from. I am looking forward to meeting the dude who wrote "My drive and commitment to excellence may only be recognized through a personal meeting."
That guy must have a major pair of 'nads. He will be ruthlessly mocked if his "commitment to excellence" is not up to my exacting standards.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Obscure Ontario Liquor Laws

I took my Smart Serve course tonight. Hold your applause.
Not only did it get me out of baby sitting but, in four-to-six weeks, it will legally allow The Aging Hipster to sell alcoholic beverages in Ontario. Don't think I won't take advantage of that, booze moochers. A glass of wine is now $2.50 at The Leith Home For Failed Writers.
Three bucks for a beer and $3.50 for spirits. If you think you can find a better price, knock yourselves out. We have better music, allow smoking and watch Star Trek (TNG) at midnight.
During my extensive studies for the course, I did unearth some obscure Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario (AGCO) laws.

1 c.) Patrons may, at management's discretion, be forcibly ejected after playing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley on the juke box three non-consecutive times.
Patrons must, by law, be forcibly ejected after playing this song on the juke box three consecutive times.
Servers may legally kick anyone playing "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" by Meatloaf twice before ejecting them.

3 f.) Service of alcoholic beverages is prohibited after 2 am. Please be advised the "Beer Ain't Drinkin'" defense was overturned by the Ontario Court of Appeal on May 5, 2006.

4 a.) A licensed establishment may lose said license if found dispensing drinks not paid for by the patron, even if said patron has huge boobs.

7 a.) Although discrimination on the basis of Race, Sex, Color, National Origin, Disability, Religion or Sexual Orientation is strictly prohibited, the server may address any male ordering a crantini as either 'Charlotte' or 'Princess'.

12 b.) Service shall be immediately stopped to anyone ordering "a hound for the rouse" as laid out in the court case Ellicott v. The Province of Ontario.

18 f.) An alcoholic beverage may contain up to 12 ml of spittle if the tip of "don't bet on the horses" or similar advice is offered in lieu of monetary recompensation.

Monday, March 9, 2009

A critical reappraisal of the film Cabin Boy, fifteen years hence

Anxiety kills theatrical release. I figure that audiences are almost always willing to embrace risk, just as long as they are confident that they are in safe hands and have faith that the film maker is taking them somewhere interesting, and for good reason. I don't think that we even mind if the ride is sometimes a little bit bumpy and we occasionally touch down somewhere quite unexpected. It is this magical mystery element that makes a production like Chris Elliott's Cabin Boy so much more compelling than Woody Allen's Annie Hall, a production of undeniable quality with plenty of quality actors giving quality performances to create a quality film experience that quality critics all are informed upon receiving their union card they must love.

(My apologies to the theatre critic whose prose I stole and replaced with relevant references but, seriously dude -- your job is useless. I should know. I've done it.)

Audiences are happy to embrace risk – much more than most directors and producers give them credit for – but audiences don't like to be made to feel anxious. Watching Elliott cry "My christening wig! I've had in since infancy," as thugs toss his figurative innocence overboard makes the viewer cringe in sympathy and in esoteric understanding. Elliott has boarded the wrong ship in a comic conceit not wielded so very expertly since the writers of Three's Company wove their magic.

While Brian Doyle-Murray and Andy Richter shine, it is truly Chris Elliott that owns Cabin Boy. His unapologetic portrayal of a Fancy Lad gathered no Oscar nominations, garnered no critical praise and is not mentioned in the same breath as De Niro in Raging Bulll or Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump.

Time will prove Cabin Boy as worthy as any Oscar nominated film.

As long as Time rolls marijuana cigarettes and secretly smokes them while Barb is out at a baby shower.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Allow Me To Present ...

The Best Album Cover Ever.

Anger Me!

I've not been posting enough lately.
I've thought long and hard (hehehe) about why and I think I've come up with the answer. I'm just not angry enough anymore.

For example :

Rather than raising their prices to ride out the world food shortage/shitty economy, major food manufacturers are making the quantities smaller while charging the same amount.
I've noticed the trend ... McCain's ... Oakburn Farms ... I'm looking at you.
Sigh ... I've got nothing except resignation ... That'll happen.

Bell Canada buys The Source by Circuit City stores in Canada, forcing employees to quickly back-track on all the anti-Bell propaganda they were forced to spout while trying to earn enough money to appease original pimp daddy Uncle Ted Rogers (now deceased).
I've got some mild amusement that I no longer work there ... a little empathy for those not smart enough to leave ... that's about it.

We have a Conservative government in Ottawa; We have taser happy Mounties in British Columbia; I have a a drunken Barb who insists on yelling "Hulk Smash" and thumping me on top of the head.
No anger -- no venom -- only a slight headache.
No rants save this one -- Barb, if you don't quit yelling "Hulk Smash" and thumping me on the head ... I will send you to rehab.
You don't read comic books. You've never seen a Hulk movie. Where the hell are you getting this from?

I invite you, Gentle Reader, to try and raise my dander ... so to speak.
Send me the most annoying news stories you have read recently. Share your personal stories of consumer frustration and corporate impotence. If you must, Insult my hygiene, appearance or writing ability.

Please note: if your comment is "Hulk Smash" I will have you committed so fast your head will fucking spin.