tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87871469355710736012024-03-13T09:59:32.863-04:00The Aging HipsterBringing you drunken, nonsensical ramblings since 2007.
Now with 25% More Nonsense!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-89413695293728177492009-11-20T00:47:00.042-05:002009-11-29T01:24:29.622-05:00I'm an Evil Baby! Give Me Meat!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSh6liUQ6LWFYmnbVfpv57qFD4cOdySWuvKOshX4rJsHSVagOHHAaGkGGm09fWEdds9wGENyapr-DRuIkJhO7Y-uq6VxEXFBssWKcBThglxjHVXcBIEw0w-RUcSgnxWBrXfcpVgmFxxM1E/s1600/13579102472530076636.jpeg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 355px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSh6liUQ6LWFYmnbVfpv57qFD4cOdySWuvKOshX4rJsHSVagOHHAaGkGGm09fWEdds9wGENyapr-DRuIkJhO7Y-uq6VxEXFBssWKcBThglxjHVXcBIEw0w-RUcSgnxWBrXfcpVgmFxxM1E/s400/13579102472530076636.jpeg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409041084565811298" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Most Brian-Influential Albums of the Decade<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span><br /><br />I'm not that evil a baby. I'm a semi-benign adult and I enjoy a well rounded meal involving vegetables.<br />The title was suggested by my bat-shit crazy pseudo-nephew Joel. When confronted by the parental question WHAT PART OF "Be Quiet" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?<br />He responded "I understand the QUI".<br />I think he may be a genius who'll end up in an asylum. It is rare to find a three-year-old who can master both absurdist and wry humour.<br />I will visit him in whatever home he ends up in.<br /><br />That said ...<br /><br />I've grown tired of Rock 'n' Roll criticism. People buy <b>Bryan Adams</b> records. Huh.<br />I'm not gonna be the one to tell them to buy<b> Flaming Lips</b> records instead.<br />I don't care anymore. Buy all the <b>Bryan Adams</b> CDs/Vinyl Re-Issues/Digital Downloads you want ...<br />Someone buys into <b>Mariah Carey</b>. It ain't me, but if you enjoy it, who am I to judge? Art is subjective. Not my fault y'all got bad taste.<br /><br />So ... The albums of the decade that made me say "Holy Fuck."<br />Somewhat ironically, 2007's <i>LP</i> by <b>Holy Fuck</b> just missed the cut.<br /><br /><b>The Drive-By Truckers</b> - <i><b>Brighter Than Creations Dark</b></i><br />I was originally struck by 2001's <b><i>Southern Rock Opera</i></b> but it was later in the decade the band hit it's creative stride. <b><i>Southern Rock Opera</i></b> could have been a single disc. <i><b>Brighter Than Creation's Dark</b></i> was the culmination of three great songwriters on a single disc. I love all of the DBT albums before ... I suspect I'll love all that come after. I doubt I'll love a song as much as <i><b>Danko and Manuel.</b></i><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Not-so-interesting side note:</span><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">The Band's Richard Manuel's brother was a Baptist Minister and he married my parents. This fact really impressed the late Jay Bennett from Wilco when I interviewed him while I was a snotty rock critic. That is neither here nor there nor anywhere.</span><br /><br /><b>Hold Steady</b> - <b><i>Stay Positive</i></b> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">"RAISE A TOAST TO SAINT JOE STRUMMER. I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN OUR ONLY DECENT TEACHER."<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span><br /><br />If <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Clash</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band</span> had a baby ... well that would be impossible. Eleven men can't have a baby without one woman involved.<br />Don't expect me to report the impossible - that said, I heard my first Orillia Opera House ghost tonight (he was a cliche).<br />What was I saying? Oh yeah ... several men can't have a collective baby.<br />If they did, they'd sound like <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Hold Steady</span>. The first song had me rewinding the first song just so I could sing along 'cuz our songs are sing-along songs..<br />Bonus points for the song<span style="font-weight:bold;"> Slapped Actress</span> ... '<span style="font-style:italic;">Some nights actresses get slapped ... Some nights it's just entertainment ... and some other nights it's work.</span>"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Green Day</span> - <span style="font-weight:bold;">American Idiot<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span><br />For a band infamous for poop jokes (Dookie) named for 24 hours wasted getting high, American Idiot was a revelation and a remarkable reboot of the band.<br />2009's <span style="font-style:italic;">21st Century Breakdown</span> is arguably the better album and will undoubtedly hold up better over time but <span style="font-style:italic;">American Idiot </span>captured the zeitgeist of liberals bewildered by the road down which the the world's final super-power was taking us.<br />It was a call to arms which - if all goes well - will seem very dated by the end of the next decade.<br />Which, sadly, it won't.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Rilo Kiley</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">More Adventurous</span> (2004)<br />I rarely remember where I was when I first heard a band in such vivid detail. I was sitting in Neal's truck in the parking lot of an LCBO. I apparently owned enough liquor <br /><br />... I will forgive you if you dismiss this story as improbable and return to your regularly scheduled lives at this point ...<br /><br />and I heard such a beautiful voice telling me to "pull the rip chord" on my life because "you're sleeping again<br />alone 'cause nobody loves you."<br />I looked over at Neal's IPod, desperately wanting to find the name of this angel who advised me to take my own life. I never really considered it - as I said, I had plenty of booze.<br />It turns out <span style="font-weight:bold;">Jenny Lewis</span> was the singer. It took me a week to discover <span style="font-weight:bold;">Rilo Kiley</span> was a band, not some Country-Goth chick. I had to Google her. Brother, did I Google her. I Googled her so hard you can insert your own cheap joke here.<br />I immediately emailed everyone I ever mocked for thinking Lynerd Skynerd was one rockin' dude with an apology.<br />If my ITunes's memory is worth a damn, this is the album I listened to most from the year 2004 until the present.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Lambchop</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">How I Quit Smoking</span><br />I actually downloaded this album on The Pirate Bay as an attempt to better myself. Given the title, I thought it may offer some insight towards not paying $7.95 per day to give myself cancer. It's my own fault. I wasn't hood-winked by the tobacco industry into smoking these evil little death sticks. I knew what I was getting into - I just thought, at the age of 17, I was invincible.<br />The first track I listened to was <span style="font-style:italic;">"The Man Who Loved Beer</span>". I used to love beer, but I found it was making me fat. I lost 20 pounds when I quit drinking beer. I originally settled on vodka and grapefruit juice ('cuz that has to be healthy) but eventually gravitated towards a classier whiskey. I'm a dignified guy, I deserve a dignified drink ... Right? <br />I think so to.<br />Bushmill's was what I eventually settled on as my signature drink. Scrappy Irish but with a hint of class. <br />So when I learned that ... Screw it ... I'll come clean.<br />The above was the worst shaggy dog story ever told. Some British magazine told me to listen to <span style="font-weight:bold;">Lambchop</span>. They called them an "<span style="font-style:italic;">unclassifiable hybrid of country, soul, jazz, and avant-garde noise." </span> They gave me a compilation CD with their magazine to prove their point.<br />They were right. I have no story about How I Quit Smoking by Lambchop. <br />It was released in 1996 but re-fuckin'-extra-special-released in 2002. I'm counting it.<br />So I'm a liar and a cheat.<br />That is all.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Guided By Voices</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Live From Austin TX</span><br />The chances are good, if you've watched television in the past decade, you've heard a <span style="font-weight:bold;">Guided By Voices</span> song. Not just on <span style="font-weight:bold;">Austin City Limits<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span>, where the short version of this first aired. People who pick songs to underscore particular moments on TV seem to be huge indie rock nerds.<br /><br />Watching <span style="font-weight:bold;">Bob Pollard</span> and his lo-fi company<br /><br /> ... yes, watching. I own the DVD. There is a CD available but I've already established I'm not above cheating on this list ...<br /><br />get progressively more loaded via two wash tubs of beer and tequila shots over 97 minutes is a treat for fans of watching happy drunks get happier. Artists getting drunk on stage rarely ends well. I once saw <span style="font-weight:bold;">Van Morrison</span> fall off a stage. I doubt that was his artistic vision for the evening.<br />The look of utter joy on the face of the band at being on ACL (almost as required viewing as <span style="font-weight:bold;">Hockey Night In Canada<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span> 'round these parts) sells the happy libertine act. <br />Throw in a few bizarre non sequiturs, an invitation for fans to join them on stage, mockery of <span style="font-weight:bold;">Velvet Revolver</span>, a couple of achingly beautiful ballads and the most get-to-the-point guitar rock since <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Ramones</span> and you have, not just a run-on sentence, but a true believer.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">GBV</span> were not the most talented band on the planet. But as they said in the intro to <span style="font-style:italic;">Sad If I Lost It</span> <span style="font-style:italic;"></span><span style="font-style:italic;">"Hey kids, let me tell ya something that Guided By Voices taught the world. That you can suck ... and still rule,"</span> They knew their limits, they played within it.<br />Oh yeah, and <span style="font-style:italic;">Gold Star For Robot Bo</span>y and <span style="font-style:italic;">Everyone thinks I'm A Raincloud (When I'm Not Looking)</span> are as excellent a song as they are a song title.<br />Throw in the fact I have made a very nice friend of the producer of <span style="font-weight:bold;">ACL</span> by drunkenly Tweeting about this DVD? Twenty dollars well spent. Hi @TheOtherLeslie (which is a funny name if you have followed my romantic misadventures).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Wilco</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Yankee Hotel Foxtrot</span><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">A Ghost Is Born</span> and<span style="font-style:italic;"> Sky Blue Sky</span> both have their charms but for sheer fuck-youery to record companies, <span style="font-style:italic;">Yankee Hotel Foxtrot</span> takes the medal this decade.<br /><br /> <span style="font-style:italic;"> * For lack of a hit single, Wilco was let go from it's contract by <span style="font-weight:bold;">AOL Time Warner</span> subsidiary <span style="font-weight:bold;">Reprise</span>, scuttling YHF's planned September 11, 2001 release. They streamed the album on-line until web traffic proved it commercially viable. It was picked up by <span style="font-weight:bold;">Nonesuch</span>, a subsidiary of, yes, <span style="font-weight:bold;">AOL Time Warner</span>.</span><br /><br />Alternately lush and dissonant,<span style="font-style:italic;"> YHF</span> makes good on the promise of <span style="font-style:italic;">Summerteeth</span>, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Wilco's</span> 1999 break with traditional alt-country.<br />I would play this album for my staff when I managed a thrift store. They would have much rather listened to <span style="font-weight:bold;">Shania Twain</span> or <span style="font-weight:bold;">Avril Lavigne</span>, but I was, and remain, both the boss and a giant music fascist. <br />They could tolerate the orchestral opening track <span style="font-style:italic;">I Am Trying To Break Your Heart</span>. They almost liked the skewed pop of<span style="font-style:italic;"> Heavy Metal Drummer</span>. It was <span style="font-style:italic;">Reservations</span>, the final song, with it's dissonant noise coda that really bugged them.<br />"This is just ... creepy," one of my underlings finally remarked.<br />"Yeah." I smiled. "It really is, isn't it?"<br /><br /> <span style="font-style:italic;"> * (like everything I write, a gross oversimplification) </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Radiohead</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Kid A</span><br />I believe it was a Sunday night. I had to work in the morning. Being a responsible sort, I decided to smoke a joint rather than get drunk.<br />I also had a home-made roast beef sandwich (lettuce, mustard, a tiny bit of horseradish on rye) ready to go for my lunch the next day.<br />"What the hell," I thought to myself. "I'll buy lunch tomorrow." On my way to the fridge, I popped <span style="font-style:italic;">Kid A</span> into the stereo.<br />I had listened to that <span style="font-weight:bold;">Radiohead</span> CD roughly 10 times previous. I liked it. I didn't love it, but I liked it well enough.<br />Suddenly, the heavens opened up and sounds I never could have imagined started bouncing around the room. I asked myself the hard questions. I gave myself the right answers. It was all so simple. My path lay before me.<br />Then I started in on that sandwich. Best sandwich I have EVER eaten. I still dream about that sandwich.<br />I've since listened to <span style="font-style:italic;">Kid A</span>, trying to recreate that experience. I liked it well enough but I didn't love it. It's no <span style="font-style:italic;">OK Computer</span>. I think it must have been the sandwich.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Weakerthans.</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Reconstruction Site</span><br />The biggest criticism I've heard of The Weakerthans is, boiled down - "<span style="font-weight:bold;">They're a bunch of smarty-pants -- too smart for for their own good<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span>."<br />Well excuse me, all of you Ms. Sarah Palin wanabees. <br />Extra credit should be given to independent learning. <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Bible</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Ronald Reagan - A Presidential Biography for Kids</span> are not the only books ever written.<br />Sometimes I like my power-pop bands to be literate. <br />I like my stupid rock bands to be stupid (Hello <span style="font-style:italic;">Electric</span> by <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Cult.</span>) <br />But I like my literate power pop to be, well, literate and to know stuff. I'm not so threatened by my own smarty-pantsness that I can't admit I don't know stuff. That's what Wikipedia is for: <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Did you know Boxcar Willie is one of the lizard people who secretly rule the earth?</span><br /><br />Use as many<span style="font-style:italic;"> Foucault, Gump Worsley, Niels Bohr or Virtue The Cat</span> references as you like. I'll revel in what I know and be happy to learn the rest.<br />Plus <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Weakerthans</span> play insanely catchy pop-music and I'm tired of hearing <span style="font-style:italic;">'Are They Punk Enough</span>' just because <span style="font-weight:bold;">John Samson</span> used to play bass in <span style="font-weight:bold;">Propighandi</span>.<br />As the old saying goes ... You can draw more flies with honey than you can with obnoxious, dissonant noise.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Bruce Sprigsteen</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions</span><br />It isn't the most fun band I've heard this decade, but most definately the band having the most fun. Bruce, most of the<span style="font-weight:bold;"> E Street Band</span> and friends rip through folk legend <span style="font-weight:bold;">Pete Seeger's</span> songs.<br /> It's laughable to think of millionaire <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Boss</span> rip through <span style="font-style:italic;">Pay Me My Money Down</span>, a song about bein' ripped off by the man. But I'll be damned if they aren't having so much fun that I always sing along.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Honourable Mention/Discs I Couldn't Find an Appropriate Story For:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound</span> - Kinda like The Hold Steady, but slightly less awesome<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Neko Case</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Fox Confessor Brings The Flood/Furnace Room Lullaby </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">A.C. Newman</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Get Guilty</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The New Pornographers</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Mass Romantic </span> Because Neko Case + A.C. Newman = Awesome.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Arcade Fire</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Funeral</span> Even though I was told to like it by all hipster media everywhere ... I still did<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Rheostatics</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">2067</span><br />I have a soft spot for the Rheostatics. It wasn't <span style="font-style:italic;">Greatest Hits</span> or <span style="font-style:italic;">Whale Music</span> but ...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Sarah Harmer</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">I'm A Mountain</span> This album reminds me of cutting stuff up and setting it on fire. Not sure that's the spirit of the music, but...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Spoon</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">"The Underdog"</span> may be my favourite song of the decade.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Magnetic Fields</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Distortion</span> - I chose this because <span style="font-style:italic;">69 Love Songs</span> came out in 1999 and that would be cheating a bit too much. However, <span style="font-style:italic;">Too Drunk To Dream</span> is an excellent summary of my romantic misadventures.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Polyphonic Spree</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Together We're Heavy</span> I normally don't like hippie collectives, but in this case, I'll overlook the fact they smell bad and likely smoke pot.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Okkervil River</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">The Stand Ins </span>- I heard a song on the excellent TV show <span style="font-weight:bold;">Chuck</span> and Googled it ... it would have displaced Kid A had I a better story.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Old 97's</span> -<span style="font-style:italic;"> Satellite Rides</span> - See The previous entry. Except replace <span style="font-weight:bold;">Chuck</span> with <span style="font-weight:bold;">Ed</span>. Fuck you ... I liked that show. It was whimsical.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Danny Michel</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Feather, Fur & Fin</span> The artist I enjoyed most at work this year. I actually parted with cash to buy a CD just 'cuz I wanted him to keep making music.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The Coup</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Pick A Bigger Weapon</span> Revolutionary party hip/hop - how can you argue with the lyric <span style="font-style:italic;">"I'm here to laugh, love fuck and drink liquor ... and make the revolution come quicker"</span>?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Ron Sexsmith</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Cobblestone Runway</span> God Loves EVERYONE, fuckers!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Buffy The Vampire Slayer OST</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Once More With Feeling</span> - What do you want from me? I'm a huge nerd who works in a theatre. You thought this wouldn't be here?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Steve Earle</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">Transcendental Blues</span> I'm sick of coming up with reasons I like things. That's kinda the point of my opening anti-criticism statement.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-10779847856796909192009-11-06T23:50:00.009-05:002009-11-09T15:56:03.023-05:00Ten Haiku Pick Up Lines<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6uXFFD16N1D3YLBswF18rl3C_l3ygL6SGC37Nqd7hR_IWHMSIT2xuGO-4UX2PzkgiWepfTN7Urt4gvAyF_xF4hiDlCMJFVHj5z6pOUMIJoMZGohZAcHci6SRaDbZ18JZz_UUZYvh9Y3pW/s1600-h/DSC00445.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6uXFFD16N1D3YLBswF18rl3C_l3ygL6SGC37Nqd7hR_IWHMSIT2xuGO-4UX2PzkgiWepfTN7Urt4gvAyF_xF4hiDlCMJFVHj5z6pOUMIJoMZGohZAcHci6SRaDbZ18JZz_UUZYvh9Y3pW/s400/DSC00445.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5401241444097860322" /></a><br /><br />I know better than anyone I haven't written anything not related to work in 3 1/2 months. <br />As much as it bothers my loyal fan - just one at this point - You can't get blood from a stone. <br />It doesn't matter how damned funny or charming or virile the stone. <br />You can't get Oscar Wildesque wit from it, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Mr<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span>. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Frank Sharpton</span> of <span style="font-style:italic;">Columbus, Ohio<span style="font-weight:bold;"></span></span><br />This lame attempt to start writing again is despite your threats, Frank. Not because of them. I don't believe you own that video and I doubt Vivid Entertainment wold buy it if you did. Lindsay Lohan tapes are a dime-a-dozen these days.<br /><br />All the same, let everyone without empty blackmail threats enjoy my attempt at breaking my writer's block with my ten favourite haiku pick up lines.<br /> <br /><br /><br />You kinda look like<br />a pornographic film star<br />whose name I forget.<br /><br />Come back to my place.<br />I've got a sweet stereo<br />and a waterbed.<br /><br />You must be a thief<br />as you have stolen my heart.<br />Wanna see my wang?<br /><br />I hope at last call<br />your fear of dying alone<br />gets me a hand job.<br /><br />My wife and I have<br />an open relationship<br />but please don't tell her.<br /><br />Happy to see you?<br />Is that a roll of quarters?<br />Duh ... it's a penis.<br /><br />I dote on my cat<br />and I collect sock monkeys.<br />I swear I'm not gay.<br /><br />I seem nice at first<br />but then I will ignore you.<br />You will gain twelve pounds.<br /><br />Here in Orillia<br />I work, have several teeth<br />That makes me a catch!<br /><br />At my job I am<br />a deputy fire warden.<br />Does that turn you on?<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Write me a better haiku pick up line if you think you're so big. I dare ya. You think you're so great. You're not.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-37498370275816350012009-07-19T00:40:00.013-04:002009-07-21T22:11:14.978-04:00An Open Letter To Joel, My Pseudo-Nephew, Concerning His Grip On Reality<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgOUiX5cBcHhyPwhFqU73inp-fOTYWRAQiHC9Sb0if5Wt_dJ79nqcHHEcF9tks-pPXnpiRszcY998PlgtKeez2dn0XsCqThnMMF5xFRui9Ekn-c93ANxeB3naHz5-mmOOdxJh6XUJuaFIY/s1600-h/51056K4S5HL._SS400_.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgOUiX5cBcHhyPwhFqU73inp-fOTYWRAQiHC9Sb0if5Wt_dJ79nqcHHEcF9tks-pPXnpiRszcY998PlgtKeez2dn0XsCqThnMMF5xFRui9Ekn-c93ANxeB3naHz5-mmOOdxJh6XUJuaFIY/s400/51056K4S5HL._SS400_.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360321982498088642" /></a><br /><br />Dear Joel,<br /><br />First things first ... Dinosaurs and Pirates did not exist at the same time. It is almost impossible that pirates and dinosaurs would fight and it is very wrong of you to try to convince me otherwise.<br /><br />Here is what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Dinosaurs were the dominant vertebrate animals of terrestrial ecosystems for over 160 million years, from the late Triassic period (about 230 million years ago) until the end of the Cretaceous period (65 million years ago), when most of them became extinct in the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction event.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Pirates, <span style="font-weight:bold;">on the other hand</span> thrived in the 18th Century. In the popular modern imagination, pirates of the classical period were rebellious, clever teams who operated outside the restricting bureaucracy of modern life. Pirates were also depicted as always raising their Jolly Roger-flag when preparing to hijack a vessel. The Jolly Roger is the traditional name for the flags of European and American pirates and a symbol for piracy that has been adopted by film-makers and toy manufacturers.</span><br /><br />Clearly, we can no longer hang out and play Pirates vs. Dinosaurs ... your current three-year-old obsessions be damned. I feel slightly soiled for indulging you in the game earlier this afternoon. I should have pointed out the historical inconsistencies in private -- not in a public forum as I do now -- but fatigue and drink have loosened my tongue.<br /><br />I demand an immediate apology as you forced me to compromise my 'knowledge' in favour of your "imagination".<br /><br />I also demand an apology for you saying The Jayhawks were over-rated and not especially essential to the alt-country movement.<br /><br />Always Your Respectful Pseudo-Uncle,<br /><br />Brian<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-43184527637735362092009-07-18T02:06:00.008-04:002009-07-18T03:19:49.056-04:00Help Me Obi-Wan ... Give me something to post about<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRXuUnfQI-pxTZzVnX4fXYtN2q6nK6AQ9AsbK1RiY6ohlRGssTFPwYxSrF7RJCAQoWWfl-xWD2NWTa4NZBIzfGkwSSLiVhwJwkZNO5nfM9nKimqMQOhy2uZl77zdgaTzLJk3rjYZVzs2og/s1600-h/Brian+2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 261px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRXuUnfQI-pxTZzVnX4fXYtN2q6nK6AQ9AsbK1RiY6ohlRGssTFPwYxSrF7RJCAQoWWfl-xWD2NWTa4NZBIzfGkwSSLiVhwJwkZNO5nfM9nKimqMQOhy2uZl77zdgaTzLJk3rjYZVzs2og/s400/Brian+2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359692892228628354" /></a><br />I'm currently suffering the worst case of writers block in the history of the world (not including JD Sallinger).<br />Really. I'm fucked. I had a story about some kid who found out he was a wizard and did all sort of remarkable things. Now Google News tells me it has already been done.<br />Well, Shit.<br />Next thing you know ... someone will poach my story of a distopian past where an unreasonable government in 1984 censors anything they find objectionable. <br />It's not like I'm void of fictional ideas ... a group of orphans lured into a life of pick-pocketing ... a Danish prince driven mad by the murder of his father ... the son of God sacrificed on a chunk of wood to pay for the sins of humanity. I have plenty of ideas for fiction no one else would ever dream about. I just can't find the mojo to turn them into believable myths.<br />Christ, I even have thoughts about a non-fiction book based on the botanical, biological and paleontological studies of Galagopos Islands where I posit that species evolve from natural selection. Crazy ... I know.<br />Use the comment section below to suggest something to write about. Quite frankly ... on my own ... I'm fucked.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-14209587160261118802009-06-18T01:52:00.003-04:002009-06-18T02:14:56.320-04:00Sorry I Have Not Posted In A WhileI've been getting over extreme tooth pain so:<br />In the spirit of half-assed malling it in, I present my favourite in-joke punchlines:<br /><br />Go Team Norsub!<br /><br />A Skunk fucking a flowery pig!<br /><br />He was DEE-RICIOUS! <br /><span style="font-style:italic;">(not as racist as it sounds)</span><br /><br />A man who dismantles his own cat has a fool for a vet.<br /><br />You've hosed me out of my split-apart!<br /><br />Why would she french her daddy?<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">(More of a News Radio punch line ... but I'll allow it)</span><br /><br />SCARF!<br /><br />Really? Pornocolyse Now?<br /><br />Je suis une grande canard vert dans mon pantalons<br /><br />Wait ... Be Cool ... He's not gay ... he's just British.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-71830603248205163802009-06-05T21:49:00.017-04:002009-06-05T22:58:46.793-04:00That's Right, Barb ... Keep Fiddling While Rome Burns.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4hFherVJOnQjHhvhv9cUuXun_Hj0WuGcWSk5cc3N1IMpsX4_QKLbEaPVYAGgk3Z-3UH2hiNautJ_U5l4v7KVFQ1OgGrdsn-PqH6eYh0GRw30QVp9afK3za0kwGzVpH1xkAZ5NY7u3CMQy/s1600-h/399px-Olivia_Munn_Leia.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 266px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4hFherVJOnQjHhvhv9cUuXun_Hj0WuGcWSk5cc3N1IMpsX4_QKLbEaPVYAGgk3Z-3UH2hiNautJ_U5l4v7KVFQ1OgGrdsn-PqH6eYh0GRw30QVp9afK3za0kwGzVpH1xkAZ5NY7u3CMQy/s400/399px-Olivia_Munn_Leia.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5344043457532827554" /></a><br />Well, more to the point, keep watching <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Bachelorette</span> On Demand while the economy collapses, 'abortion doctors' are murdered by Right-To-Lifers and trains in Oshawa are derailing willy-nilly.<br /><br />While you watch the crappiest television show I've ever seen -- <span style="font-style:italic;">and that includes <span style="font-weight:bold;">Walker, Texas Range</span>r</span> -- some of us are trying to change the world. And those <span style="font-style:italic;">"some of us"</span> would be me. <br />And this time, I'm trying to change it for the better. <br /><br />Why, I've been signing on-line petitions. For example to "<span style="font-style:italic;">help free American journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee who are in a North Korean prison being held on 'illegal entry' and 'hostile acts'.<br /> They were in China reporting for Al Gore’s Current TV and never meant to enter North Korea. But, they are now on trial and looking at possibly spending 10 years in a labor camp in North Korea if they are found guilty.</span>"<br />You can sign the petition by clicking the title. <span style="font-style:italic;">(I should probably learn how to embed links in the copy of my blog.)</span>. It likely won't do any good but it also won't do any harm ... unless you are <span style="font-weight:bold;">Mark McConkey</span> from Blind River, Ontario. Please do NOT sign this petition, Mark. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Kim Jong-Il</span> really dislikes you since the 'pantsing' incident and, at this point, it will only antagonize him. I suspect your relationship is beyond repair.<br /><br />So keep watching your stupid reality television Barbara. If my IPod needs charging and the TV upstairs is on the fritz - as was the case tonight - it will only encourage me to spend 30 seconds making the world a better place in which to live!<br /><br />Thank you to Olivia Munn (photo above) for bringing this story to my attention. I visit your site for updates on social issues ... not the lingerie pictures. I promise!<br /><br />BTW ... R.I.P. ... <span style="font-weight:bold;">Jay Bennett</span> (formerly of Wilco) - musical genius and a man very forgiving of stupid interview questions (<span style="font-style:italic;">ahem</span>)... <span style="font-weight:bold;">Peter Zezel</span> - best face-off man I've ever seen and by all accounts, one of the nicest guys in hockey, ever ... <span style="font-weight:bold;">David Carradine</span> - whose movie Kill Bill still gives Barb nightmares ... <span style="font-weight:bold;">Everyone who died on the Beaches of Normandy</span> sixty-five years ago today - for having more stones than I ever will.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-86601026077607889332009-05-19T01:09:00.009-04:002009-05-19T02:34:32.012-04:00An Open Letter To An Uncaring God Concerning My Tooth Pain<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNrqtlKQK9crFM_FW7iWrVnQ_ZvkalMgQ6E4XTeQrh2rFJSZ9rmQru_OcXWPvm0qFEPpoh02wKOQGQ7OmQO13Aoa2IQFF4gYzlkCCsAord-kbVn7E1jJqpEBajIAxmzKcHPOq4PHg3-Qsb/s1600-h/inflammedtooth.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px; height: 293px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNrqtlKQK9crFM_FW7iWrVnQ_ZvkalMgQ6E4XTeQrh2rFJSZ9rmQru_OcXWPvm0qFEPpoh02wKOQGQ7OmQO13Aoa2IQFF4gYzlkCCsAord-kbVn7E1jJqpEBajIAxmzKcHPOq4PHg3-Qsb/s400/inflammedtooth.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337419696575513458" /></a><br />Look God ... I know you and I have had our differences. I bitch you out for being an insecure prick who doesn't exist... You claim I don't exist and curse me with male pattern baldness and a pretty serious drinking problem.<br />Our relationship works. We know where we stand with each other.<br />But lately, you've raised the fucking stakes, haven't you? This extreme tooth pain is a game changer. You've upped the ante ... little insecure non-existent bitch that you are. <br />I know I've started baiting your more misguided followers on Twitter, but calling out some closeted queer who was 'nauseated' by the five times he watched Milk is not a satisfying payback for you making my jaw swell up to the size of a dirigible.<br />Look ... I understand natural disasters ... sometimes you have to clear the decks of poor people to make room for all the unwanted babies you've saved from blissful non-existence.<br />I understand war ... You need to make your believers fight it out to see which of them "want it more". By the way, I'd like to cast my vote for the faction that don't believe in the Afghani Rape Law, but you aren't listening to me right now, are you?<br />Because, if you were listening to me, you wouldn't have given me this incredibly excruciating tooth pain.<br />I know I've had a, let's say British, attitude towards my teeth all of these years. I know I have had said in the past "May God strike me down with incredible tooth pain if I ever drink again" while hungover. I have done nothing to deserve your non-existent mercy except ...<br />I'm a White North American Male. Remember? I get special treatment?<br />If you could take this tooth pain and give it to some poor deserving bugger in Sri Lanka I'd really appreciate it.<br /><br />Thanks,<br />Your (other) Nemesis,<br /><br />The Aging Hipster<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-8462781711098265752009-05-12T00:52:00.016-04:002009-05-18T23:27:51.874-04:00The Care and Feeding of a Stage Mother<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJQqj17vd-mnrcGpQ_QaSn0OMdp9_HlS44IRz76_zG6Acr-TZ58TfJqCP3xPYK6H3-odNDg7JhRpv0F0Zp5p7QhntSlyzTfZzvlr6mehCxd3JWsMxpsPsWVm0K2wZXdWflUo2qbJvxJuck/s1600-h/1111stage+mom.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 274px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJQqj17vd-mnrcGpQ_QaSn0OMdp9_HlS44IRz76_zG6Acr-TZ58TfJqCP3xPYK6H3-odNDg7JhRpv0F0Zp5p7QhntSlyzTfZzvlr6mehCxd3JWsMxpsPsWVm0K2wZXdWflUo2qbJvxJuck/s400/1111stage+mom.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334818945811045618" /></a><br />I've had to deal with quite a few stage mothers in the past couple of weeks. It was kind of a new experience for me and I wish I had a list of rules to follow -- much like this one I've just made. You are welcome, future generations of theatre workers. Just try to pay it forward.<br /><br />1.) Never tell stage mothers -- or dance teachers, for that matter -- how creepy it is to see a nine-year-old tarted up in make-up and a short dress. They assume just because you noticed -- whether it makes your skin crawl or not -- there is something genetically wrong with you.<br /><br />2.) Have plenty of Vodka, Triple Sec, and cranberry juice on hand. Stage Moms ADORE Sex and The City and love to drink Cosmopolitans. They are often single as most right-thinking husbands have left them. However, the courts being how they are: <br /><br />3.) Have plenty of faux independent beer on hand for the husbands who stuck around (or feel obligated) to watch. Keith's and Rickard's Red seem to be the most popular.<br /><br />4.) Never tell Stage Mothers/Gary Bettman/Dance Teachers to hurry it the Hell up because of the Crosby/Ovechkin playoff match-up. They don't appreciate the savage ballet that is Professional Ice Hockey. Instead, just pour yourself a scotch and water, no ice, and figure out how to watch it in your office. Not that I did.<br /><br />5.) Always invoke the safety of their creepy, overly-sexualized child -- because someone has to. God knows, someone has to. "I'm sorry but you can't go back there. What if someone was trying get to <span style="font-weight:bold;">your</span> child? We can't let anyone back there except ushers and teachers." Promise the ushers extra hours if they try to convince the kids to wipe off the make-up and play hopscotch or jacks or whatever kids used to do.<br /><br />6.) Never Let dogs in the theatre -- <span style="font-style:italic;">really this one is just for me</span>. Really, bitch, you thought I'd let your yappy little dog into the theatre? Your Yorkeshire Terrier would really benefit from seeing your stupid, probably untalented niece dancing to Cuban Pete, or some other tired routine? I won't let a can of Coca Cola into my theatre. What makes you think I'd let you bring a yapping, pissing, shitting little dog into my realm? <br />I notice you did not lodge the complaint with my superiors you claimed you would. So be it.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-51818344600154891292009-04-27T22:57:00.016-04:002009-04-28T01:54:14.194-04:00An Open Letter To Barb and Joan Concerning Their Ongoing Refusal To Let Me Have a Pet Monkey<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzPXi-BlrLNAYU-MXa-Ee4D9Dk57FjNO0F2nRh3N_KvTuBX1Dv4-Gz_tZ0No4nEeCvbfTie3ZUT1EyQp6Iqe28mgWfHsnNyRWjlkYiSBBE5BTAVglLsW66xXODstl21xfxa4b8S8aSfErR/s1600-h/1697-civilized-monkey.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 333px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzPXi-BlrLNAYU-MXa-Ee4D9Dk57FjNO0F2nRh3N_KvTuBX1Dv4-Gz_tZ0No4nEeCvbfTie3ZUT1EyQp6Iqe28mgWfHsnNyRWjlkYiSBBE5BTAVglLsW66xXODstl21xfxa4b8S8aSfErR/s400/1697-civilized-monkey.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329600479802586706" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br />Throughout history, many important men have owned pet monkeys. When Martin Luther nailed his 95 Theses to that church door in Wittenberg, he did so with a chimp named Brendan at his side. <br />Sir Winston Churchill would unwind after a long day of inspiring Britons during The Blitz with a cigar, a snifter of brandy and a Barbary Ape named, ironically, Adolph. <br />Abraham Lincoln had a spider monkey named Herb. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. Ergo, if you don't let me have a pet monkey, you are pro-slavery. <br />It is simple, unassailable logic.<br />Also, many great fictional characters had monkey pets/friends. The Clint Eastwood character had Clyde in Any Which Way But Loose. Homer had Mojo in an episode of The Simpsons. Ross had a hairy, inhuman partner in Friends. Plus he also had Maurice the Monkey. <br />As you know from the last bachelor party I threw, I am not an unreasonable man. All firearms were discharged out of doors with one execption -- and I maintain that instance was the fault of flaming sambuca, a tray of butter tarts and the Mayor's sudden pantlessness. So I am willing to compromise and allow any pet simians I may own to be trained as helper monkeys. This would be a great help to you, Barbara, as you are ... ahem ... frequently incapacitated by grape-based beverages. <br />And Joan ... well ... you're no spring chicken.<br />We are also frequently plagued by black-outs in this area. For entertainment, we have to resort to board games by candlelight and listening the CBC on a battery powered radio. If I had a pet monkey, however, we could get him loaded for our amusement.<br />Drunk Monkey is incredibly fun to say. Try it now. Say it with me ... <span style="font-weight:bold;">drunk monkey<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span> ... that WAS fun, wasn't it? I think it may be the double "unk" sound.<br />I'll wager my last pair of clean underpants that an actual drunken money would be one hundred times more fun. We could watch him reel around the room, confused by his condition. We could watch him swing from light fixtures, wearing a lampshade as a hat in a humourous fashion. We could watch him sit and stare forlornly into his drink, beating himself up with bitter self-recriminations of lost love, wasted talent and failed opportunities. <br />In short, Barb and Joan, it would be sheer folly NOT to let me have a pet monkey. I shall name him Hilton Langley.<br />And I promise to clean up any feces he may fling -- after it dries up and becomes more manageable.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">P.S. I've missed you too, dear reader. I've been working like a dog lately. A Border Collie, in fact, who rounds up theatre patrons, removes their drinks from their hands <span style="font-style:italic;">(ironic, no?)</span> and makes them sit down and enjoy a show.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-81909183025692946042009-04-16T22:42:00.025-04:002010-01-28T23:16:55.194-05:00Poseur Meets Author, Acts Like Dickweed<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAK0QaoEaMOyqMa1rHNeJpV4kOP9BaLbh6aRmYJKTFEPQXLnU6GBav8XzFu5oC_wuUUGjp11lOcO22yESmeX6h4LDiHWiDBaIZ-5Wn1ItdxY5OAX3xvN4IjOg_DBbylqD6znLzKfmB8LhX/s1600-h/ravinecover.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 95px; height: 142px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAK0QaoEaMOyqMa1rHNeJpV4kOP9BaLbh6aRmYJKTFEPQXLnU6GBav8XzFu5oC_wuUUGjp11lOcO22yESmeX6h4LDiHWiDBaIZ-5Wn1ItdxY5OAX3xvN4IjOg_DBbylqD6znLzKfmB8LhX/s400/ravinecover.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325516060346388482" /></a><br />I really like Paul Quarrington. <br /><br />He wrote some of my favorite books -- <span style="font-weight:bold;">King Leary</span>, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Logan In Overtime</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Whale Music</span> ("t<span style="font-style:italic;">he greatest rock'n'roll novel ever written" according to Penthouse magazine</span>.)<br />He is also a fine song-writer and a better than average guitar player.<br /><br />He also <span style="font-style:italic;">seemed</span> like the sort of guy who could sit down and have a drink without rubbing your face in the fact that he has released two albums and written ten novels, five books of non-fiction and five plays. He never seems to mention that you have pissed away any talent you once had and now publish your drunken nonsense, desperate for attention, on a free blog. <br /><br />So I was really happy when Barb phoned to say she had tickets to see Quarrington play some songs and practice his racounteering <span style="font-style:italic;"> ( ... racounteermanship? ... racounteerism? I don't know the exact word.)</span> in a small space during the local comedy festival.<br /><br />Quarrington played two sets of the songs he wrote and sang for the band Porkbelly Futures. He was amiable and amusing. He sang the first folk song about the pornography industry and works <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Friendly Giant</span> into one of his songs.<br /><br />I was kind of excited to approach him and buy his latest book, <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Ravine</span> after his performance - until Barb's enthusiasm and my studied lack of enthusiasm kicked in.<br /><br />At this point, I revert to verbatim quotations:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian</span>: <span style="font-style:italic;">I'd like to buy a copy of your latest ...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Barb</span>: <span style="font-style:italic;">Brian is such a fan of yours. He is so excited to meet you!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian</span>: <span style="font-style:italic;">Well ... a fan ... yeah ... I guess ... more a guy who thinks you can turn a phrase real ... good</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Paul:</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">Umm ...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Barb</span>: <span style="font-style:italic;">Brian owns all of your books</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian:</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">Well ... I own some of your books ... you know ... the good ones ... plus <span style="font-weight:bold;">Civilization</span> ... I bought them at thrift stores so you actually didn't get any ...<br /></span><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Paul</span>: <span style="font-style:italic;">Thanks, I guess I ...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Barb:</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">I always do this. I'm going to step aside and let Brian talk.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian:</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">Thanks, honey. Why do you act like I am a deaf mute?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Paul</span>: <span style="font-style:italic;">Do you want me to sign it? It that Brian with an 'i' ?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian:</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">Umm ...</span> <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">18 second pause</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Barb</span>: <span style="font-style:italic;">Yes. It's Brian with an 'i'.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian:</span> <span style="font-style:italic;">err ... Thanks.</span><br /><br />Which probably explains the inscription in my book - which cost $19.95 and for which I let him keep the nickel!<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">To Bryan, Quit trying so hard ... Paul Quarrington.<span style="font-weight:bold;"></span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-77832690660748805612009-04-09T14:37:00.003-04:002009-04-09T14:42:53.599-04:00Andrea and Dave's Baby Just Got HereWelcome to the world Baby Girl (name pending until the poll to the right closes) Jefferies.<br />Those looking for my trademarked smart-assery ... move along. <br />Nothing to see here.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-83350223721386509502009-04-09T01:27:00.008-04:002009-04-09T05:00:46.612-04:00Kurt Cobain R.I.P.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZLNSCZggm-3cFJ-ryh5zJLeHuxZxTHCDzoTYOf1GOF9j6oBEAU6uZuO2FcoPvDT6YOi5Ncn-4G7sElANRdaVSSAAIGWQ4zM1rLlxXOyk8W3UGy5fa15T1vkbs6zqF7ww90iiOl6IIbNZ/s1600-h/KC.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 304px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZLNSCZggm-3cFJ-ryh5zJLeHuxZxTHCDzoTYOf1GOF9j6oBEAU6uZuO2FcoPvDT6YOi5Ncn-4G7sElANRdaVSSAAIGWQ4zM1rLlxXOyk8W3UGy5fa15T1vkbs6zqF7ww90iiOl6IIbNZ/s400/KC.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322565016465439378" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Kurt Cobain killed himself fifteen years ago today.</span><br />Do you remember where you were? I remember where I was ... living in a basement apartment, trying to make a living.<br />Seriously, buddy ... you could have taken your money and fucked off to a South Pacific island. Leaving a child in the care of Courtney Love makes you a bigger douche bag than the '<span style="font-style:italic;">jock</span>' fans who '<span style="font-style:italic;">didn't get it'</span> you were constantly complaining about.<br />I understand chronic pain -- but you just drink and pill yourself through it. It can be fun. There is an upside. Self medication shouldn't involve a shotgun.<br />I love Nirvana's music -- it really inspired me as a youngster -- but seriously Kurt ...<br />You should have stuck around so people like myself could have called you over-played and over-rated and wrote that you should have packed it in after <span style="font-weight:bold;">In Utero</span>.<br /><br />That said ... Sorry you felt you had to off yourself. You are missed.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-61411680451939239322009-04-04T02:52:00.003-04:002009-04-04T04:32:02.986-04:00Twitter - Threat or Menace?I realize I am late to the party but I have become mildly obsessed with Twitter.<br /><br />Many pundits have condemned Twittering as the death of literate conversation. <br />I call shenanigans and suggest said pundits may have a vested interest in overly long verbiage which wastes time and burns up precious, precious word counts by which many -- both aspiring and professional -- writers are paid handsome, handsome sums. <br /><br />RUSTY TROMBONE! <br /><br />I'd have been paid anywhere between fifty cents and two dollars for typing RUSTY TROMBONE from any reputable journal. It means nothing except for a quick way to earn enough for one of those newfangled coffee drinks. <br /><br />RUSTY TROMBONE! <br /><br />Another Starbuck's latte coffee drink.<br /><br />Most writing contains too many needless words. The reason I can't get through the first page of James Joyce's 'Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man" is -- not my limited attention span -- but the fact it should have been called ''young man artist pic LOL'<br /><br />The fact I am getting practice at cutting my thoughts down to 140 characters will spare you, gentle reader, several precious seconds of your life. The fact that I have to cut my thoughts down to 140 characters (including spaces) per post spends more minutes of my life than most non-writers would believe.<br /><br />I love the fact I can write real time reviews of movies/TV shows/music I am listening to at the moment. Mona Lisa Smile sucks!<br /><br />The only drawback is I no longer get paid for spouting my ill-informed opinions ... Hey wait ...<br /><br />If you read this ... Please send me three dollars and twenty-five cents.<br /><br />It <span style="font-weight:bold;">is<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span> only fair.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-1997297519229177222009-03-25T22:58:00.041-04:002009-03-26T00:37:59.790-04:00Thank You All For a Very Special Day<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOoHuzBzOMI6mfe4Sq4T7a8tg4NFhCK0ZsdIy4d8hdvZuSTWuASNi2xBmexUxWgwgLSX3nUYNIPjLD7oJV88NFGU8Uo4q8qRUPl8Z2XziSfYHgRcLEQGQITAHMLLPcBRBSS_bBWBDIPRSz/s1600-h/Bart.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 298px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOoHuzBzOMI6mfe4Sq4T7a8tg4NFhCK0ZsdIy4d8hdvZuSTWuASNi2xBmexUxWgwgLSX3nUYNIPjLD7oJV88NFGU8Uo4q8qRUPl8Z2XziSfYHgRcLEQGQITAHMLLPcBRBSS_bBWBDIPRSz/s400/Bart.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317325683820429314" /></a><br /><br />I wish I could shake the hand of everyone who attended <span style="font-weight:bold;">Barb's Birthday Celebration</span> on Saturday afternoon. I salute everyone whose planning and dedication turned the day into such a success. Planners -- whether you were able to attend or not -- you made the day really unforgettable. Kudos!<br />The floral arrangements were exquisite, the menu was delightful and the service was impeccable.<br />Whether you travelled across the province or across the city, your attendance truly made <span style="font-weight:bold;">Barb</span> feel as special as she deserves. <br />Those of you who were unable to attend for medical reasons -- your presence was missed but understood. Most, but not all, of us hope you are feeling better.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">For those of you unable to attend or remember the after party, I have a few notes:</span><br /><br />Three pairs of pants -- two unsoiled -- were turned in to <span style="font-weight:bold;">Lost and Found</span>. If you think these pants may be yours, please contact <span style="font-weight:bold;">Cory</span> with the size and description of the trousers in question.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Barbara</span> will not be charged with sexual harassment of our waitress, the pizza delivery guy and the paramedic who arrived later in the evening. I would like to thank all three for accepting a written apology in lieu of a lengthy and messy civil suit that I think, we can all agree, would have cast a pall on the festivities.<br /><br />While <span style="font-weight:bold;">Greg</span> claims he can "<span style="font-style:italic;">imitate an elephant</span>", pulling one's pockets out and unzipping one's fly is not an accurate representation.<br /><br />The "<span style="font-style:italic;">underpants optional</span>" version of the invitation was an editing mistake and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Neal</span> would like to apologize to any hot chicks who received it in error.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">George'</span>s parting declaration of <span style="font-style:italic;">"suck it bitches</span>" was uncharacteristic and, quite frankly, rude but he has been under a lot of pressure recently. I think he misses working on <span style="font-weight:bold;">Degrassi: The Next Generation.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Craig'</span>s potassium level -- due to the ingestion of banana cake -- remained relatively stable throughout the evening.<br /><br />I don't actually believe <span style="font-weight:bold;">Barbara</span> is "worse than <span style="font-weight:bold;">Hitler</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Octomom</span> combined" due to her love of <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Celebrity Apprentice</span>, <span style="font-weight:bold;">People Magazine</span> and spreading nasty cold germs. What I said was rooted in alcohol and anger and I would like to assure people B<span style="font-weight:bold;">arbara</span> is "<span style="font-style:italic;">still cool</span>" despite my vehement assertions otherwise.<br /><br />Once again, thank you to all who attended for contributing to a truly classy event. <br />If anyone knows the whereabouts of my own pants -- I've already contacted <span style="font-weight:bold;">Cory</span> without luck -- please let me know via this blog.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-44120297976430072642009-03-17T00:01:00.008-04:002009-03-17T01:21:22.240-04:00Write, Spell and Think Better, Job Seekers!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Df79MnglqHEB2LeRNqhWRbWdlgTyE99C7FX8-nMTjkv7900k43uc1CrBaK-lphIB1yZ0jwLpjNFVzRE7QsTVW55asCpj7ULD3Fp9vV2w4EwkA4qgay_56wrDGaqS5zjVG4HhbqS_sKof/s1600-h/aaaa.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 383px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4Df79MnglqHEB2LeRNqhWRbWdlgTyE99C7FX8-nMTjkv7900k43uc1CrBaK-lphIB1yZ0jwLpjNFVzRE7QsTVW55asCpj7ULD3Fp9vV2w4EwkA4qgay_56wrDGaqS5zjVG4HhbqS_sKof/s400/aaaa.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314022482057979010" /></a><br />Nothing I've encountered inspires an equal amount of rage and amusement as a really bad resume.<br />While managing at Goodwill I once corrected the many grammar and spelling mistakes of a faxed resume and sent it back with "Try Harder" scrawled across the top. <br />Admittedly, I did it for my own amusement (plus I may have been high on painkillers) but I'd like to think I did the guy a favour.<br /><br />Hiring potential ushers for the theatre has reawakened my hatred/secret glee about crappy writing skills. I'm sorry, but in this age of Spellcheck, mistakes are unacceptable. Especially the mistake of relying too heavily on Spellcheck, like the person who last worked at a temp agency and <span style="font-style:italic;">"went to various job placemats.</span>"<br /><br />So, I suspect, did the guy who was working at a ski resort <span style="font-style:italic;">"which has just rapped up there season."</span><br /><br />There is just no excuse for the woman who has <span style="font-style:italic;">"Excptional customer service skills and Experrience assisting irate customers."</span> If her attention to detail is exemplified by her resume, I can see why her customers are irate.<br />But my personal favourite had to be "<span style="font-style:italic;">Excellent verbal and written communnication skills."</span><br /><br />I can understand why one person, who works at a prominent fast food franchise, needs a new job. He listed his duties as <span style="font-style:italic;">"food items safely, neatly and efficiently</span>." It must be annoying to be a food item -- but having to be safe, neat and efficient for minimum wage? Unacceptable!<br /><br />My heart did go out to the person who finished three years of community college and relocated to a new town for an ultimately failed relationship. <br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"To be honest,"</span> the person wrote, "<span style="font-style:italic;">my heart was not in dental hygiene, therefore I went back to my home town to work for the cleaning company and follow my heart.</span>"<br />I could mock this on several different levels but I'll go with this: Why are you telling me this in a cover letter asking for a job?<br /><br />I don't think hobbies should be listed on resumes, especially if they include <span style="font-style:italic;">"keeping busy"</span> as one gentleman wrote.<br />And the guy whose list of qualifications decreased in font size to form a funnel shape kind of annoyed me. Seriously, dude ... I could barely read that you are a "<span style="font-style:italic;">proactive problem solver.</span>"<br /><br />Sadly, I had to put some of these resumes in the 'Possible' file. If I excluded everyone whose resume was incredibly fucked up, I'd have a talent pool of three to draw from. I am looking forward to meeting the dude who wrote "<span style="font-style:italic;">My drive and commitment to excellence may only be recognized through a personal meeting.</span>"<br />That guy must have a major pair of 'nads. He will be ruthlessly mocked if his "<span style="font-style:italic;">commitment to excellence"</span> is not up to my exacting standards.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-69605916161912181462009-03-10T23:49:00.014-04:002009-03-11T00:39:11.666-04:00Obscure Ontario Liquor Laws<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP4_CN4XNFT9fL1kIo7wHTTfN5ND2U_21gqg9DcYb3cIeao-_5B3yAGq4t_F91WiQjOsuZ8kLpbgkJnP3QDCQLX0oIs2hJDgRx7xUcRH7efYjty3AqnVrp_q_w6tVJZAn5CfYoSOHOdbwF/s1600-h/cartoon-10-04.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 297px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP4_CN4XNFT9fL1kIo7wHTTfN5ND2U_21gqg9DcYb3cIeao-_5B3yAGq4t_F91WiQjOsuZ8kLpbgkJnP3QDCQLX0oIs2hJDgRx7xUcRH7efYjty3AqnVrp_q_w6tVJZAn5CfYoSOHOdbwF/s400/cartoon-10-04.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311780011609903122" /></a><br />I took my Smart Serve course tonight. Hold your applause.<br />Not only did it get me out of baby sitting but, in four-to-six weeks, it will legally allow <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Aging Hipster</span> to sell alcoholic beverages in Ontario. Don't think I won't take advantage of that, booze moochers. A glass of wine is now $2.50 at <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Leith Home For Failed Writers</span>.<br />Three bucks for a beer and $3.50 for spirits. If you think you can find a better price, knock yourselves out. We have better music, allow smoking and watch Star Trek (TNG) at midnight.<br />During my extensive studies for the course, I did unearth some obscure Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario (AGCO) laws.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1 c.)</span> <span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">P</span>atrons may, at management's discretion, be forcibly ejected after playing "<span style="font-weight:bold;">Never Gonna Give You Up</span>" by <span style="font-weight:bold;">Rick Astley</span> on the juke box three non-consecutive times.<br />Patrons must, by law, be forcibly ejected after playing this song on the juke box three consecutive times.<br />Servers may legally kick anyone playing "<span style="font-weight:bold;">Paradise By The Dashboard Light</span>" by <span style="font-weight:bold;">Meatloaf</span> twice before ejecting them.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">3 f.)</span> <span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">S</span>ervice of alcoholic beverages is prohibited after 2 am. Please be advised the <span style="font-weight:bold;">"Beer Ain't Drinkin</span>'" defense was overturned by the Ontario Court of Appeal on May 5, 2006.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">4 a.) </span> <span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">A</span> licensed establishment may lose said license if found dispensing drinks not paid for by the patron, even if said patron has huge boobs.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">7 a.)</span> <span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">A</span>lthough discrimination on the basis of Race, Sex, Color, National Origin, Disability, Religion or Sexual Orientation is strictly prohibited, the server may address any male ordering a crantini as either '<span style="font-weight:bold;">Charlotte</span>' or '<span style="font-weight:bold;">Princess</span>'.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">12 b.)</span> <span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">S</span>ervice shall be immediately stopped to anyone ordering "a hound for the rouse" as laid out in the court case <span style="font-weight:bold;">Ellicott v. The Province of Ontario</span>.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">18 f.)</span> <span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">A</span>n alcoholic beverage may contain up to 12 ml of spittle if the tip of "don't bet on the horses" or similar advice is offered in lieu of monetary recompensation.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-23878374668906530382009-03-09T01:05:00.009-04:002009-03-11T00:49:22.293-04:00A critical reappraisal of the film Cabin Boy, fifteen years hence<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzdpANNhAyQqNSHR8C8jqcHmiPzu9yjriDrC95Fz-IE64IB86kpMNggZM6IV6-2IQT5WaYQpxaPvPqvZ3njjA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br /><br />Anxiety kills theatrical release. I figure that audiences are almost always willing to embrace risk, just as long as they are confident that they are in safe hands and have faith that the film maker is taking them somewhere interesting, and for good reason. I don't think that we even mind if the ride is sometimes a little bit bumpy and we occasionally touch down somewhere quite unexpected. It is this magical mystery element that makes a production like Chris Elliott's <span style="font-weight:bold;">Cabin Boy</span> so much more compelling than Woody Allen's <span style="font-weight:bold;">Annie Hall</span>, a production of undeniable quality with plenty of quality actors giving quality performances to create a quality film experience that quality critics all are informed upon receiving their union card they must love. <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">(My apologies to the theatre critic whose prose I stole and replaced with relevant references but, seriously dude -- your job is useless. I should know. I've done it.)</span><br /><br />Audiences are happy to embrace risk – much more than most directors and producers give them credit for – but audiences don't like to be made to feel anxious. Watching Elliott cry "<span style="font-style:italic;">My christening wig! I've had in since infancy</span>," as thugs toss his figurative innocence overboard makes the viewer cringe in sympathy and in esoteric understanding. Elliott has boarded the wrong ship in a comic conceit not wielded so very expertly since the writers of Three's Company wove their magic. <br /><br />While Brian Doyle-Murray and Andy Richter shine, it is truly Chris Elliott that owns <span style="font-weight:bold;">Cabin Boy</span>. His unapologetic portrayal of a <span style="font-style:italic;">Fancy Lad</span> gathered no Oscar nominations, garnered no critical praise and is not mentioned in the same breath as De Niro in <span style="font-weight:bold;">Raging Bull</span>l or Tom Hanks in <span style="font-weight:bold;">Forrest Gump</span>. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Time</span> will prove <span style="font-weight:bold;">Cabin Boy</span> as worthy as any Oscar nominated film.<br /><br />As long as <span style="font-weight:bold;">Time</span> rolls marijuana cigarettes and secretly smokes them while Barb is out at a baby shower.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-25143073089523369222009-03-03T17:50:00.005-05:002009-03-03T17:56:29.387-05:00Allow Me To Present ...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4a9_LDg-ZOmRIMlHJnOyRJ7mCZQiegan_bVPU0oVelxcLbYYWgDG6Bklzh9uMlxj5uk888GVqTZmylcALacgdB7TSj5KTUYAo85DPbWplsAJvx8rmPbf9FfBIMpTRpb0KEZ5JdbdN-YBM/s1600-h/cover.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4a9_LDg-ZOmRIMlHJnOyRJ7mCZQiegan_bVPU0oVelxcLbYYWgDG6Bklzh9uMlxj5uk888GVqTZmylcALacgdB7TSj5KTUYAo85DPbWplsAJvx8rmPbf9FfBIMpTRpb0KEZ5JdbdN-YBM/s400/cover.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309097964848441122" /></a><br /><br />The Best Album Cover Ever.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-58384485253833730382009-03-03T01:16:00.009-05:002009-03-03T02:34:42.814-05:00Anger Me!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvOvCLC5qWnrDyBj4wuJbc0ZT1Hx3uO-TE0V87PVzZQJsqPSM5KXheTLjeHLVM0YJEuOLedj8HBAtUIeCOjvrSI9CA8mFfLM4V264_jx4WIcc09lDMLot1CC8hN-_VEDyJGrkZJfiSlitt/s1600-h/hulk-smash.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 299px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvOvCLC5qWnrDyBj4wuJbc0ZT1Hx3uO-TE0V87PVzZQJsqPSM5KXheTLjeHLVM0YJEuOLedj8HBAtUIeCOjvrSI9CA8mFfLM4V264_jx4WIcc09lDMLot1CC8hN-_VEDyJGrkZJfiSlitt/s400/hulk-smash.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308841866629463410" /></a><br /><br />I've not been posting enough lately.<br />I've thought long and hard (<span style="font-style:italic;">hehehe)</span> about why and I think I've come up with the answer. I'm just not angry enough anymore.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">For example </span>: <br /><br />Rather than raising their prices to ride out the world food shortage/shitty economy, major food manufacturers are making the quantities smaller while charging the same amount.<br />I've noticed the trend ... McCain's ... Oakburn Farms ... I'm looking at you.<br />Sigh ... I've got nothing except resignation ... That'll happen.<br /><br />Bell Canada buys The Source by Circuit City stores in Canada, forcing employees to quickly back-track on all the anti-Bell propaganda they were forced to spout while trying to earn enough money to appease original pimp daddy Uncle Ted Rogers (now deceased).<br />I've got some mild amusement that I no longer work there ... a little empathy for those not smart enough to leave ... that's about it.<br /><br />We have a Conservative government in Ottawa; We have taser happy Mounties in British Columbia; I have a a drunken Barb who insists on yelling "Hulk Smash" and thumping me on top of the head.<br />No anger -- no venom -- only a slight headache. <br />No rants save this one -- Barb, if you don't quit yelling "Hulk Smash" and thumping me on the head ... I will send you to rehab.<br />You don't read comic books. You've never seen a Hulk movie. Where the hell are you getting this from?<br /><br />I invite you, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Gentle Reader</span>, to try and raise my dander ... so to speak. <br />Send me the most annoying news stories you have read recently. Share your personal stories of consumer frustration and corporate impotence. If you must, Insult my hygiene, appearance or writing ability.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">Please note: if your comment is "Hulk Smash" I will have you committed so fast your head will fucking spin.</span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-73594207431419199612009-02-24T22:00:00.006-05:002009-02-24T22:43:55.688-05:00Happy Fat TuesdayIt is turning out to be a great day for geeky comedy fan boys. <br />First, Andy Richter signs back on as Conan O'Brien's sidekick when he takes over The Tonight Show on the first of June.<br />Then Michael Cera - formerly the last holdout - signs on for the long rumoured Arrested Development movie.<br />The only way today gets any better is if Tina Fey and Alyson Hannigan show up at my door with an assortment of whisky, fireworks and pornographic films.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-87905050217980227542009-02-22T22:38:00.015-05:002009-02-24T23:28:19.796-05:00... and the winner for best belated Oscar blog post is ...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtqREAV0wFwGN0l8q0Q7diwetpGqM3R4ZnOESkhIsDb2xHSkiqAznNLziG_nN6rTF5ksCTG7HbbL4l7zP7QkXnT-YzJ65mod_pq4m7l1airYs6uEAEBUy_2b8AgrMYcuEAbhObpUAhOxFn/s1600-h/oscars-732859.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtqREAV0wFwGN0l8q0Q7diwetpGqM3R4ZnOESkhIsDb2xHSkiqAznNLziG_nN6rTF5ksCTG7HbbL4l7zP7QkXnT-YzJ65mod_pq4m7l1airYs6uEAEBUy_2b8AgrMYcuEAbhObpUAhOxFn/s400/oscars-732859.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5306543553247324402" /></a><br />Wanna hear something sad?<br />I'm nearly forty-years-old and most of the movies of 2008 that I saw were based on comic books:<br />The Dark Knight, The Hulk, Hancock, Iron Man and Hellboy 2.<br /><br />I did watch movies about making movies, angry, well-armed, racist senior citizens and panda's who can suddenly perform an acceptable amount of Kung Fu.<br /><br />Regardless, I watched the Academy Awards. <br />Partly to mock them, mostly because there was nothing else on television.<br /><br />As entertainment The Oscars failed.<br /><br />As an excuse to invent a drinking game it fared a little better. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">These were the rules going in:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Drink every time there was a standing ovation.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Drink the eleven times someone I had heard of ... including Charlton Heston over Joan's left-wing protestations ... had died in the memorial video.<br />Drink every time someone mentioned prominent Negro President Barack Obama.<br />Drink every time someone thanked God</span>. (When Bill Maher cursed God, I threw up a little bit into my glass in recompense.)<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Drink every time a movie I actually watched won anything.<br />Drink every time Sean Penn weeps.<br />Drink every time someone in the pre-show mentioned Vera Wang.</span> (Actually, I giggled first then drank. WANG ... hehehe.)<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Drink every time some Asian dude thanks his pencil and company robot.</span> <br /></span><br />Last year I made the mistake of drinking every time someone sounded like a pretentious twat.<br />I was carted off to the hospital at 9:38 pm. I had my stomach pumped at 10:19 pm.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-5490789749635299772009-02-15T21:56:00.024-05:002009-02-16T01:09:24.995-05:00Happy Family Day<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD6st9kLFUegn4Dynb2A_zEjT9TL1CRV4r_IbNqos5dG49M0V_bgFKKIFDtXYlf3ROnRhRAyJs3XF7WLQDPVnhOgTke9l21sXUf4ROVJfWLIOGgyHsMQuh6y8P_Yzo4Dmm62EFRLbSt7hx/s1600-h/reedfamily1986.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 280px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD6st9kLFUegn4Dynb2A_zEjT9TL1CRV4r_IbNqos5dG49M0V_bgFKKIFDtXYlf3ROnRhRAyJs3XF7WLQDPVnhOgTke9l21sXUf4ROVJfWLIOGgyHsMQuh6y8P_Yzo4Dmm62EFRLbSt7hx/s400/reedfamily1986.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5303245784318608354" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Family Day brings back so many fuzzy memories, doesn't it? The traditional Family Day Eve dinner of one (1) bucket of chicken and water; listening to classic Family Day carols by <span style="font-weight:bold;">Sister Sledge</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Mike and The Mechanics</span>; gathering around the television to watch a midnight showing of <span style="font-weight:bold;">Eight Is Enough<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span>. Priceless memories.<br />While you casually toss your Family Day Knickers on the sofa, waiting for the Genealogy Monkey to fill it with gifts of oranges and disposable cameras - please spare a thought for those who have no-one to make them feel like a failure.<br />The only reward afforded these poor unfortunates is a paid day off from work.<br />Help make someone's Family Day complete. <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Anonymously email someone and tell them they have wasted their potential. <br /><br />Randomly phone people and ask why they haven't given you grandchildren.<br /><br />Tell folks you've just met that they drink to much and passive aggressively mention interventions.<br /><br />Start arguments with complete strangers over what you'll get in the will when their parents die.</span><br /><br />This Family Day, bring Christian charity to those in need. It starts with you!<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">(please note: family is defined as one father, one mother and at least one offspring - all others need not apply)</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-13771035101082647112009-02-14T00:40:00.012-05:002009-02-14T01:02:31.397-05:00Happy Valentine's Day<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR-e1gscUZZazHOpPto4_cytwm5q7Qqi-sOOZlrIlR6TA_0IDPxu_eaT23aDEGEkLQSD6F_pBROx1Xa5FYJFrmbBM-vNsubKAt_niSnft19ro2YI8-E9ZYs409ONeT-bk52SouA-30xBxV/s1600-h/Bitter_Valentine_merman-thumb.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 305px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR-e1gscUZZazHOpPto4_cytwm5q7Qqi-sOOZlrIlR6TA_0IDPxu_eaT23aDEGEkLQSD6F_pBROx1Xa5FYJFrmbBM-vNsubKAt_niSnft19ro2YI8-E9ZYs409ONeT-bk52SouA-30xBxV/s400/Bitter_Valentine_merman-thumb.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5302527347704619842" /></a><br /><br />I'd like to give you all something of very high quality that takes none of your space and wastes none of your time.<br />A pipe bomb has been mailed in your name to Hallmark Industries Inc.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-2033722026939536612009-02-07T19:29:00.025-05:002009-02-07T22:43:35.414-05:00Elmo Video Watched, Not Enjoyed, By Drunken BabysitterApparently, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Screw My Ex-Girlfriend ... Please</span> has been my most influential post since I urged America to vote for change.<br />I am currently babysitting a five-year-old boy, a two-year-old girl and a twelve-year-old bottle of Scotch.<br />Later, I will take all three out to the car, roll up the windows and light a cigarette. We won't be going anywhere, I just enjoy all manner of criminal activity. <br />While I entertain her children with a rousing chorus of <span style="font-weight:bold;">Cocaine Blues<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span> by J<span style="font-weight:bold;">ohnny Cash</span>, Skipper is out on a date, all thanks to my blog entry.<br />So ... who is grossly invading your privacy and robbing you of your dignity now?<br />Seriously, who is it?<br />Whoever it is owes me a bottle of bourbon.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8787146935571073601.post-22234360610534875382009-02-06T23:31:00.017-05:002009-02-07T02:21:58.739-05:00It Was A Good Day ...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrCHq_dTEh9-QzSW-n-FwyFxF-FTbcLv78H2OobiHOqze7rHC6sGQfXM9ZvJtmsShYDTJqhj3WXKrHfW2ovydfwuheGNDf665medFrzcMynDFiadiqOA2o_reqesdtjHmzWHN2O81RbHR0/s1600-h/boxed-thumb.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrCHq_dTEh9-QzSW-n-FwyFxF-FTbcLv78H2OobiHOqze7rHC6sGQfXM9ZvJtmsShYDTJqhj3WXKrHfW2ovydfwuheGNDf665medFrzcMynDFiadiqOA2o_reqesdtjHmzWHN2O81RbHR0/s400/boxed-thumb.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5299943173849438562" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />10:15 am : Wake relatively unhungover.<br /><br />10:22 am : Sit down with a coffee and smoke in front of SportsCentre.<br /><br />11:24 am : Go outside to brush off the car. Discover the car does not need brushing.<br /><br />11:45 am : Arrive at job I don't hate.<br /><br />3:30 pm : Skip out early from job I don't hate.<br /><br />4:20 pm : Finish my thrift shop excursion - from which I've obtained two Hugo Boss shirts, a pair of jeans, a silk tie and a Neil Gaiman novel for the princely sum of $12.46<br /><br />5:45 pm : Eat pizza.<br /><br />6:30 pm : Nap.<br /><br />9:00 pm : Wake up.<br /><br />9:10 pm : Pour myself a Greyhound. Repeat every twenty minutes.<br /><br />I know age and experience have dulled my expectations but overall; not a bad day.<br />The only way it could be made better is if I had tickets for "<span style="font-weight:bold;">LOST! - THE MUSICAL</span>" starring Tom Waits as John Locke, Neko Case as Kate and Willie Nelson as The Smoke Monster.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script src="http://digg.com/tools/diggthis.js" type="text/javascript"></script></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5