Thursday, November 29, 2007

More Simpsons Quotes I Actually Use in Everyday Life

The previous post on this subject seemed pretty popular ... and I do like to pander to the lowest common denominator.
Plus, I get to rip off funny stuff from another source without doing my own work.
So...what the hell?
I expect at least fifty comments with your own favourite Simpsons quotes or I'll rethink this entire pandering...nay, blogging... idea.

"I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky."
-- Homer J. Simpson
Homer says this when he realizes that he is hopelessly out of touch with '90s music. His beloved Grand Funk Railroad (later shortened to Grand Funk ... probably by record company weasels in suits) is no longer a relevant musical force. Despite the wild, shirtless rythyms of Mark Farner and the compentent drumming of Don Brewer.
I like to use this this quote whenever (if-ever) I do something stereotypically ... well... adult. Like buying RRSPs from my banker. Or convenience store clerk. Where do they sell those damn things anyway?

"You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
-- Mayor Quimby
This is how Quimby responded when the town charter revealed Springfield was still a 'dry' town. I don't think I can add anything to this quote. I can't make it any more funnier or any more true.

"Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket...let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated"
-- Homer J. Simpson
Homer sees Nantucket on a map...ehh...this is rarely used -- but if a certain island in Massachusetts ever comes up in conversation -- you're golden.

"Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!"
-- Ralph Wiggum
Oh Ralphie, where do I begin to start. Your non-sequiters, grammatical errors and foolish statements speak to the retarded child in all of us (see also: my cat smells like cat food, I bent my wookie and Me fail english? That's unpossible!).

"Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now, where were we, oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
-- Abe (Grampa) Simpson
Hired by Mr. Burns to quell union unrest, Abe can't break heads like he could as a strike-breaker in the '30s. He can bore people with pointless stories, I just use this to mock old and/or boring people.

Like I said...I want at least fifty replies. Post your favourite Simpson quotes. I know that I have between eight and twelve loyal readers. Surely to God...Surely to appease my own ego...For the love of the teddy bear Mohammed...Just post your favourites.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Okay, I admit it. Lee Harvey Oswald probably acted alone.
NASA likely landed a man on the moon.
Elvis is really dead and Paul McCartney is actually alive.
I do have a weird appreciation for conspiracy theories, though. I am fascinated by the fact that, when you convert the letters in Bill Gates III to ASCII and add them up, the sum is 666. Actually, I’m more fascinated by the type of person who would go to all that work.
No word on what you get when you add up William Henry Gates, William Gates the Third or Billy H. Microsoft using the same formula. My guess is it ain’t the Number of The Beast or I would have heard about it.
A good conspiracy theory is like watching someone work on four different jigsaw puzzles with a magnifying glass and a hammer and finish with a picture that looks almost real. I assume I wouldn’t be so captivated if I were Jewish, but then again, I’d be too busy controlling the World Bank, Hollywood and Professional Roller Derby to care.
That said, the alternative media can be a huge educational tool. For example, did you know…

...Germans landed on the moon in 1942? According to writer Vladimir Terzski and others, including noted Canadian douche-bag Ernst Zundel, Nazis established a moon base with their super excellent technology. (Earlier in his career, Zundel sold $10,000 tickets to an expidition to said moon base.) Really, It’s a wonder we aren’t all speaking German and wearing clothing designed by Hugo Boss. Apparently, when the Americans and Russians collaboratively landed on the moon in the 1950s (and you thought no one landed there at all) they used the secret Nazi underground bases as their own. Waste not want not, I guess.
During the Nazi adventure in Outer Space, they purportedly encountered several alien races, including…

…the Giant Lizards who rule the world. So says ex-Coventry City goalkeeper, BBC commentator and alleged anti-Semite (is anyone noticing a theme here?) David Icke.
Admittedly, this is quite a complex theory involving the Illuminati, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and, well, long story short, twelve-foot reptilian aliens from the constellation Draco that rule our planet.
Oh yeah, and they shape-shift.
Among their numbers? Princess Diana, George Bush Jr. & Sr. (obviously), Brian Mulroney, the entire House of Windsor and, according to Wikipedia, Boxcar Willie. I swear I didn’t make that up ... God I love Wikipedia. Most of the American government are involved ... the same government who created ...

…the Chupacabra! The scourge of Latin American livestock, the Chupacabra (literally translated as goat sucker) was created by the CIA as a weapon gone wrong. The Central Intelligence Agency wanted a weapon/mythical creature that would strike fear into the heart of the Viet Cong. They tested it down south and it escaped, Agent Orange didn’t enough. America needed the blood of Vietanmese goats drained.
And the chickens?
Don’t even get me started on what full blooded Vietnamese chickens can do to a war effort.
Any hair and DNA samples, bite marks or foot-marks or that prove it’s just a big fucking dog are merely smokescreens.
Jews everywhere are relieved goat sucking isn't their fault.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Commandments -- Eleven Through Twenty

Even in biblical times, attention spans were fairly short. Moses had to do some judicious editing to keep the Isrealites on topic while he brought down the Ten (alleged) Commandments.
Especially with all the Golden Calf worshipping that was going on while he was fetchin' them.
After he went to all the trouble of leading them out of Egypt? Oy vey ... you fickle, fickle Israelites! When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?

Subsequent expeditions by Finnish archeologists have unearthed and peiced together the sacred stone tablets that Moses had edited for the sake of brevity. They were also edited because flush Toilets, Led Zeppelin and Dave Keon had not yet been created and it would have confused --not only the Isrealites -- but everyone born before the 20th Century.

Still, here are the Commandments that time forgot and that Moses willfully ignored:

11. Thou Shalt Not Read The Bible While Seated On The Toilet

12. Verily, I Say Unto Thee, The First One Who Smelt It, Dealt It

13. On The Seventh Day, God Created Led Zeppelin

14. Thou Shalt Honour No Dogs Before Me (Theologians suspect God was a bit dyslexic. He found a sympathetic teacher and a speach therapist and became the God we know today. Very Inspiring!)

15. The Maple Leafs of Toronto Shan't Win The Cup of Lord Stanley 'till Dave Keon is Appeased.

16. An Apple a Day Keepeth the Doctor Away.

17. Thou Shalt Not Lie Down With a Man as Thou Wouldst With a Woman. Unless You're Gay. Or Bi-Curious.

18. An Admiration for the Prophet Bob Marley Maketh Not One Rastifarian Alone. Also -- you're not Irish 'cuz you once went to a Pogues concert.

19. Let He Who Is Without Sin Be Nailed Up to a big Fuckin' Chunk of Wood and Mocked Unmercifully By Roman Soldiers, (In retrospect, I assume God regrets this one.)

20. Taketh The Preceeding Nineteen Commandments With a Tiny Grain of Salt. Everything Shall Be Situational.


Friday, November 9, 2007

I'm gonna kill an endangered turtle...

...and make a fashionable hat from it's shell.

Seriously, no one has been 'green'er than me. I've voted for the Green Party four times. I recycle more whisky bottles, club soda cans and jokes about dogs without noses than anyone on my block. I've checked their blue boxes and their blogs.

I win.

I'm quite sick of being lectured by people who use more airplane fuel, gasoline and A/C electricity than I do. Seriously, I'm only using nine more times resources than my African equiviilant. Can you say the same, celebrities?
From now on, for every picture I see of Al Gore with any Hollywood A, B or C-lister ... I'm going to kill an owl. The most endangered owl I can find. Maybe even a peacock, but they are hard to find in this climate.

An environmental backlash is gonna come and I may as well be on the forefront. Mr. Gore had eight years to clean up the environment while he was in office. Mr. George Clooney or Mr. Shia LaBeouf or Mr. Norman Fell have had, I suppose, even longer.

You do more good than me, Mr. Gore, I'll admit ... but I do less harm.

If environmentalists don't stop preaching unless they start doing...well...we will all start looking for endangered turtle hats while we throw styrofoam containers out our SUV's and voting for the Grey Party.