Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Commandments -- Eleven Through Twenty

Even in biblical times, attention spans were fairly short. Moses had to do some judicious editing to keep the Isrealites on topic while he brought down the Ten (alleged) Commandments.
Especially with all the Golden Calf worshipping that was going on while he was fetchin' them.
After he went to all the trouble of leading them out of Egypt? Oy vey ... you fickle, fickle Israelites! When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?

Subsequent expeditions by Finnish archeologists have unearthed and peiced together the sacred stone tablets that Moses had edited for the sake of brevity. They were also edited because flush Toilets, Led Zeppelin and Dave Keon had not yet been created and it would have confused --not only the Isrealites -- but everyone born before the 20th Century.

Still, here are the Commandments that time forgot and that Moses willfully ignored:

11. Thou Shalt Not Read The Bible While Seated On The Toilet

12. Verily, I Say Unto Thee, The First One Who Smelt It, Dealt It

13. On The Seventh Day, God Created Led Zeppelin

14. Thou Shalt Honour No Dogs Before Me (Theologians suspect God was a bit dyslexic. He found a sympathetic teacher and a speach therapist and became the God we know today. Very Inspiring!)

15. The Maple Leafs of Toronto Shan't Win The Cup of Lord Stanley 'till Dave Keon is Appeased.

16. An Apple a Day Keepeth the Doctor Away.

17. Thou Shalt Not Lie Down With a Man as Thou Wouldst With a Woman. Unless You're Gay. Or Bi-Curious.

18. An Admiration for the Prophet Bob Marley Maketh Not One Rastifarian Alone. Also -- you're not Irish 'cuz you once went to a Pogues concert.

19. Let He Who Is Without Sin Be Nailed Up to a big Fuckin' Chunk of Wood and Mocked Unmercifully By Roman Soldiers, (In retrospect, I assume God regrets this one.)

20. Taketh The Preceeding Nineteen Commandments With a Tiny Grain of Salt. Everything Shall Be Situational.



Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

hey can't posibly be Finns... otherwise 13 would say "On The Seventh Day, God Created Aki Berg"... or Moe Berg...

Brian said...

I'm pretty sure he created Aki on April Fool's Day...Go AKI!

Anonymous said...

Number 8 in your program, but number 11 in your hearts... Aki Berg!

Brian said...

At least Aki had the good sense not to circulate naked pictures of himself -- except for one tasteful art shot that now hangs in the study at Mike Smith's summer home in Martha's Vineyard.