Tuesday, November 20, 2007

FREEMASONS STOLE MY UNDERPANTS!



Okay, I admit it. Lee Harvey Oswald probably acted alone.
NASA likely landed a man on the moon.
Elvis is really dead and Paul McCartney is actually alive.
I do have a weird appreciation for conspiracy theories, though. I am fascinated by the fact that, when you convert the letters in Bill Gates III to ASCII and add them up, the sum is 666. Actually, I’m more fascinated by the type of person who would go to all that work.
No word on what you get when you add up William Henry Gates, William Gates the Third or Billy H. Microsoft using the same formula. My guess is it ain’t the Number of The Beast or I would have heard about it.
A good conspiracy theory is like watching someone work on four different jigsaw puzzles with a magnifying glass and a hammer and finish with a picture that looks almost real. I assume I wouldn’t be so captivated if I were Jewish, but then again, I’d be too busy controlling the World Bank, Hollywood and Professional Roller Derby to care.
That said, the alternative media can be a huge educational tool. For example, did you know…

...Germans landed on the moon in 1942? According to writer Vladimir Terzski and others, including noted Canadian douche-bag Ernst Zundel, Nazis established a moon base with their super excellent technology. (Earlier in his career, Zundel sold $10,000 tickets to an expidition to said moon base.) Really, It’s a wonder we aren’t all speaking German and wearing clothing designed by Hugo Boss. Apparently, when the Americans and Russians collaboratively landed on the moon in the 1950s (and you thought no one landed there at all) they used the secret Nazi underground bases as their own. Waste not want not, I guess.
During the Nazi adventure in Outer Space, they purportedly encountered several alien races, including…

…the Giant Lizards who rule the world. So says ex-Coventry City goalkeeper, BBC commentator and alleged anti-Semite (is anyone noticing a theme here?) David Icke.
Admittedly, this is quite a complex theory involving the Illuminati, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and, well, long story short, twelve-foot reptilian aliens from the constellation Draco that rule our planet.
Oh yeah, and they shape-shift.
Among their numbers? Princess Diana, George Bush Jr. & Sr. (obviously), Brian Mulroney, the entire House of Windsor and, according to Wikipedia, Boxcar Willie. I swear I didn’t make that up ... God I love Wikipedia. Most of the American government are involved ... the same government who created ...

…the Chupacabra! The scourge of Latin American livestock, the Chupacabra (literally translated as goat sucker) was created by the CIA as a weapon gone wrong. The Central Intelligence Agency wanted a weapon/mythical creature that would strike fear into the heart of the Viet Cong. They tested it down south and it escaped, Agent Orange didn’t enough. America needed the blood of Vietanmese goats drained.
And the chickens?
Don’t even get me started on what full blooded Vietnamese chickens can do to a war effort.
Any hair and DNA samples, bite marks or foot-marks or that prove it’s just a big fucking dog are merely smokescreens.
Jews everywhere are relieved goat sucking isn't their fault.

5 comments:

The Orillia Masonic Lodge said...

Dear Mr. Ellicott,
While we were saddened to learn about the loss of your underpants, rest assured we had nothing to do with it. Quite frankly, we can think of no reasonable use for your underpants.
Maybe you misplaced them and blame us due to shame? We are often a convenient scapegoat. Perhaps they were stolen by Gypsies?
Best of luck the future.

Barb said...

It was me. I stole your underpants. I like to wear them on my head like a hat and dance around the living room.

Brian said...

Wow. I've known you since kindergarden and you never told me you were a Freemason? That really is some secret society you've got there!

Barb said...

Brian you got to work at 11 am and posted that at 11:02... what is wrong with you? Get to work!

Barb said...

Hey Bri, Kimmy has a conspiracy theory about the historic part of Downtown Wasaga Beach burning down and then one week later the historic part of Downtown Barrie burning. I think it's just a coincidence... The Truth is Out There...