I'm going to blow my own horn on this website. Other people will, in all likelihood, blow my horn on this website. If you want to see videos of people blowing my horn, go to www.brianshorngettingblown.com. I'll warn you now -- these people are mostly Barb or the indigent. This website costs $20 bucks a month (paypal or visa), and, quite frankly, is not worth your money.
But in the interest of trying not to lord over you regular folk, I will admit to some flaws.
1.) I feel uncomfortable eating bananas around gay men.
I know this is pretty immature. I have no problem with the gays. According to the 03/99 issue of The Advocate (in an article entitled 'That Brian Guy Is Pretty Cool'), they have no problem with me. Get married, gays. Adopt babies. What the hell, hit on me if you want. I know the secret that 98.7 % of straight men don't know. I can say 'no'. In truth I'd say 'no thank you". My mama raised me right.
I know they all are likely not picturing me making mouth sex with them. They have bigger things to worry about; their mortgages, their jobs, their right to adopt little South Korean babies: but it still creeps me out a little.
I have a homosexual friend -- I'll call him Cory -- who makes crude comments every time I eat a banana. Blame him. Sorry, homos! I'm not a bigot. It's your own fault.
Oddly, I have no problem with popsicles.
2.) I like to incite toddlers into acts of anarchy (or maybe irony).
Well, who doesn't? The fifteen most enjoyable minutes of the last six months (non-percocet related) invollved yelling 'burp', 'bum' and 'poo' with three toddlers who thought they were dirty words. They thought this was hilarious. I know the word 'hero' gets used a lot these days but they thought I was "better then all of the neurologists, firefighters and terrorist-interupting airline passengers combined!". Their words, not mine.
But...if they thought they were dirty words, weren't they ACTUALLY dirty words. Shouldn't we look at intent rather than actuality?
SHAME ON YOU MALCOLM, JOEL AND DUNCAN!
3.) I'm a drunk.
Actually, I'm a bon vivant. I'm a sensualist. I'm a gadabout. I am not an alchoholic. I'm ... I'm ... err ... SCREW YOU DR. SALLY WEXLER!!!
Those are pretty much all of my flaws. Besides that, I'm perfect.