Monday, September 17, 2007

The Top Five Simpsons Exchanges I (Over)Use In Everyday Situations...

I'm of a generation/mindset that speaks in Simpsons quotes.The same way those damn hippies didn't "trust anyone over thirty," I don't trust anyone who doesn't chuckle knowingly when I reference Locker Room Towel Fight: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll, yell "Save me Jebus," or tell someone, in a high-pitched voice that "My cat's breath smells like cat-food".
I rely on many, many Simpsons quotes but I will only deign to explain how to use my top five ... well, six, but "Disco Stu likes disco music" is self explanitory.

So, with no further ado...

Lisa and Abe (Grandpa) Simpson are commiserating that no-one takes them seriously..
It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!
Homer then pulls a can of 'Nuts and Gum' from the cupboard.
Homer: Mmmm...Nuts and gum...together at last.

This is to be used whenever you want to justify an unpopular/Pollitically Incorrect/hare-brained idea. Works every time. Automatic argument winner.

When Homer becomes team leader at Globex Corporation, run by evil genius/genuinely nice guy Hank Scorpio, he decides his underlings would benefit from naps. He seeks advice from his new boss
Uh, hi Homer. What can I do for you?
Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places There's The Hammock Hut ... that's on third.
There's Hammocks-R-Us ... that's on third too. You got Put Your Butt There?
Swing Low Sweet Chariot ... Matter of fact they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer (matter-of-factly):
Oh, the hammaock district.
That's right.

This can be used sarcastically whenever someone suggest buying any obscure product. "Oh yeah, we'll pick that up in the absinthe district on Laclie".

When Homer is waiting for snow plowing after watching his budget late-night commercial.
Homer: And now we play the waiting game...(Homer tents his fingers and waits three comic beats. Then, with child-like glee)
... Ah, the waiting game sucks. let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!"

Use this whenever you have to wait for anything...just for your own amusement. The waiting game DOES suck and Hungry Hungry Hippos DOES rock.

After Bart chronicles Homers' rage-filled tendancies in an on-line comic, "Angry Dad", Marge takes Homer to task for his temper.
I'm just passionate, like all us Greeks.
No, you're angry. Look, you're punching the cat right now.
(cut to Homer punching Snowball II)Later, Homer admits she's right...
It's true! I'm a rageholic. I just can't get enough rageohol!

Use this whenever you are caught in a moment of inexplicable rage ... or whenever someone finds you indulging in your baser pleasures by punching the cat in the armpit. It defuses the situation every time.

After Bart is summoned to Austrailia after he insults the entire nation, he absent-midedly flicks a jack knife in a stereotypical Aussie pub. A Crocodile Dundee clone approaces him parodying the movie and, pulling out a spoon, says...
Stereotypical Austrailian Guy:
You call that a knife? THIS IS A KNIFE!
That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
Stereotypical Austrailian Guy:
Alright, alright, you win, heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

This should be used whenever you want to point out the Kafkaesque senselessicity of a situation or you want to impress people with your fake Austrailian accent. I do both very well, often at the same time.

Feel free to leave your own favourites below.


Slappy said...

I'm disrespectful to dirt! Can you see I am serious! Get out of my way, all of you! This is no place for loafers. Join me or die. Can you do any less?

Anonymous said...

How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. (Homer makes sound effects and laughs.) Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Anonymous said...

I’ll never get my comeuppance, do you hear me? No comeuppance!

Anonymous said...

I was saying 'Boo-urns!'

Barb said...

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid centre!

Brian said...

My mind says stop, but my heart, and my hips, cry proceed.

Brian said...

Justice is not a frivilous thing, has little if anything to do with a disobedient whale.

chunkylover57 said...

Better late than never...
"Stupid babies need the MOST attention!"

Anonymous said...

"Your point being?"

(to be used when the person you're conversing/debating with makes an absolutely crystalline, self-evident, salient point to which you have no rebuttal, and you want to just snuff out the discussion as quickly as possible, flummoxing and/or amusing the other person)

"If your house should start to burn
There's a lesson you must learn
...something, something and you'll see
You'll avoid catastrophe!"

(there must be scores of other sayings and mnemonics which revolve around a key word/phrase/sentence, the omission of which provides the humor as in above)