Friday, July 6, 2007

Go Ahead ... Sue Me Goodwill!

I worked at Goodwill for almost eight years. I rose from a spoiled, unionized employee to a manager, caught in the crossfire between upper management fuckwits who don't really understand the meaning of charity and spoiled, unionized employees. I eventually quit but at least I got to, ummm, confiscate, a lot of inappropriate donations while working there. All for the public good, of course.
Oh, Fuck Off. At least I was only ripping off the stuff we couldn't sell. Such as:

A Mace (or is it a Flail?)

While trying it out, I discovered why mace-flaillers in the Middle Ages wore gauntlets -- spiky ball bounceback. Ouch.
I was told it's worth about $300 because of some weird casting process used in making the ouchy part. I wasn't really listening. I was thinking "Cool...I have a flail (or is it a mace?)".

Asian Pornography

Lots of porn really, not just asian. Big tit porn, vanilla porn, erotica, big ass porn, clown fetish porn, pornography in jigsaw puzzle form and auto-felatio porn innocuouslly tiled Postion Impossible (I'm not kidding, it still gives me nightmares).
The Asian porn is the porn I remember most. I was having a cigarette by the donation bin outside when this dirty-old-man ... a caricature of a dirty-old-man really ... handed me a plastic bag, said, "You'll enjoy this." and winked. Three graphic dvds chock-full of Asian female debasement.
As the boss, it was within my rights to keep all three but, at the end of the day, I called my two male co-workers into the office and distributed it evenly. That's what being a leader is all about.

Many Airplane Bottles of Liquor

How desperate do you have to be to get drunk on a plastic bag full of bottles of raspberry vodka and coconut rum?
Not very. Free booze is free booze.
I should warn those so inclined not to drink any touristy bottles of tequilla from Mexico with a sombrero for a cap that are glued to a slab of wood next to a fake cactus. It made me break out in a rash.

Pellet Guns

Also -- Hunting Knives, Slingshots, a Sword and one Crossbow Pistol (which is illegal to own in Ontario so I didn't keep it and can't find any ammunition for, anyway).

Old Prescription Drugs

Codeine, Percocet, Valium, several non-fun drugs and Methadone.
I didn't take the Methadone.
Marijuana wasn't uncommon (mostly left in purses and pockets) and also many bongs. Plus, something that might be ecstasy, but, I'm afraid to take because it might be estrogen.
I'm afraid to throw it out because it might be ecstasy.
There's never a club kid around when you need one.

1 comment:

Barb said...

What about the Haggis?