Sunday, July 19, 2009

An Open Letter To Joel, My Pseudo-Nephew, Concerning His Grip On Reality

Dear Joel,

First things first ... Dinosaurs and Pirates did not exist at the same time. It is almost impossible that pirates and dinosaurs would fight and it is very wrong of you to try to convince me otherwise.

Here is what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:
Dinosaurs were the dominant vertebrate animals of terrestrial ecosystems for over 160 million years, from the late Triassic period (about 230 million years ago) until the end of the Cretaceous period (65 million years ago), when most of them became extinct in the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction event.

Pirates, on the other hand thrived in the 18th Century. In the popular modern imagination, pirates of the classical period were rebellious, clever teams who operated outside the restricting bureaucracy of modern life. Pirates were also depicted as always raising their Jolly Roger-flag when preparing to hijack a vessel. The Jolly Roger is the traditional name for the flags of European and American pirates and a symbol for piracy that has been adopted by film-makers and toy manufacturers.

Clearly, we can no longer hang out and play Pirates vs. Dinosaurs ... your current three-year-old obsessions be damned. I feel slightly soiled for indulging you in the game earlier this afternoon. I should have pointed out the historical inconsistencies in private -- not in a public forum as I do now -- but fatigue and drink have loosened my tongue.

I demand an immediate apology as you forced me to compromise my 'knowledge' in favour of your "imagination".

I also demand an apology for you saying The Jayhawks were over-rated and not especially essential to the alt-country movement.

Always Your Respectful Pseudo-Uncle,



Joel said...

There's Dexter fighting a unicorn. I swam in my underpants! Popcorn Shrimp!

Aging Hipster said...

He came out with this gem on Sunday - apparently the is "a buffalo with sharp claws that lives in that bush and he eats roasted foxes."
I replied "That explains all the buffalo poop on the lawn when I wake up in the morning."
Joel responded "No ... he doesn't poop."
I tried to explain everybody poops, but he interrupted me with "He also eats sticks."

Aunt Barb said...

I don't think Joel really wrote that first comment, and here's why: he thinks Dexter's name is Dexterd. He would've said "There's Dexterd fighting a unicorn! A beaver bit my toe!"

Aging Hipster said...