Friday, July 18, 2008

If I Had a Million Dollars ... I'd Buy Some Blow

I don't think anyone saw this one coming.
Far be it for me to mock anyone for using illegal drugs -- aside from Andy Dick. Drugs are quite fun ... and if you use them people think that you're cool.
This past Wednesday, Steven Page, singer for the Barenaked Ladies took one step closer to becoming the Keith Richards of East York. He was arrested in upstate New York for possession of cocaine and marijuana.
This may hamstring the sales of the his band's latest album, "Snacktime", a collection of two dozen original children's songs.
Perhaps it won't. The Friendly Giant was, allegedly, coked to the gills. Mr. Rogers was more of a beer and Qualudes man. Mister Dress-Up, despite his lucrative CBC contract, loved to huff paint.
I genuinely hope that Page beats this drug charge. He's good at what he does - a certain Mr. George Laramee (though he denies it) and I once enjoyed a show of his at the Danforth Music Hall. He and his band do a lot for charity - various food banks, leukemia, Jack Layton. What he chooses to put up his nose has never affected me - or you I'll wager - in the slightest. Unless you are one of his three children, in which case: I'm sorry for what happened to your daddy and STOP READING THIS WEBSITE! IT ISN"T APPROPRIATE FOR KIDS! DON'T YOUR PARENTS EV ... uh, never mind.

In other news:

Christ just e-mailed and and asked that his name be taken off of the project. Christianity is now to be known as AlanSmitheeism ... Fuck You Nazis for trying to deprive us of all of our best comics ... 90210 was a horrible television show but it encouraged the growth of sideburns ... I miss the Beverly Hillbillies on television, Mostly I miss Ellie May Clampett. Christ, I'd like to have fucked her ... You can talk all you want about your Makarovs and your Lugers but the Colt .45 is still the best sidearm for scaring the fuck outta people ... Jesus, just Google Alan Smithee if you don't get the joke ... Scotch Whisky, Irish Whisky and Canadian Whisky taste pretty much the same unless you shell out for the good stuff ... the Leafs will lose many games this year but I hope they will be an unpleasant team to play against ... Did Freddy Mercury popularize the Big Gay Mustache? Was he wearing a Big Mustache because it was popular amongst the Gays? I'm just wondering ... Sometimes I think George Clinton's P-Funk just exist so white people can feel hip ... I'm gonna go off on Barb all Andy Capp-style if she ever belittles me in front of an optometrist again ... Wow, that Randy Newman really hated midgets. I hope he has smartened up ... Barack Obama and his handlers need to be cool - criticizing satire because dumb people might not understand is no way to gain my non-existent vote ... Quebec seperatists are angry Paul MacCartney is playing Quebec City's 400th anniversary because he represents a "second English Invasion" . A direct quote, that last one... Hmm - American Liberals or Quebec Separatists -- who has the thinnest skin?


George Laramee said...

I didn't enjoy that Barenaked Ladies concert. I was just drunk and dancing because I love to drink and dance.
I love the dance. The dancing becomes me ... I become the dance.
Also, I love homosexual sex.

Steve said...

Fuck the Barenaked Ladies. They're like Sharon, Lois, and Bram for adults. Steven Page is going to get traded nightly for some toilet hooch and a couple of packs of Marlboro reds. HAHAHAHA!

Bram said...

Fuck You, buddy! I resent that remark.
Besides, cocaine was never my thing. I prefer cough syrup and hookers.
Don't look so shocked. What did you think Skinamarinky Dinky Doo was about?

Jim said...

It's such a shame that this happened. I think Steven Page is a great guy that just got caught up in bad behavior. Besides, he wrote some of my favorite Barenaked Ladies songs.

I hope everything works out okay and they can go record their new album soon!


The Laptop Sessions Cover Songs

Aging Hipster said...

I hold no ill will towards Steven Page. Who among us hasn't wanted to snort a little blow now and then?
I'm no angel.
I'm sure he'll get off scot-free and his song writing will improve from the experience.