Write, Spell and Think Better, Job Seekers!

Nothing I've encountered inspires an equal amount of rage and amusement as a really bad resume.
While managing at Goodwill I once corrected the many grammar and spelling mistakes of a faxed resume and sent it back with "Try Harder" scrawled across the top.
Admittedly, I did it for my own amusement (plus I may have been high on painkillers) but I'd like to think I did the guy a favour.

Hiring potential ushers for the theatre has reawakened my hatred/secret glee about crappy writing skills. I'm sorry, but in this age of Spellcheck, mistakes are unacceptable. Especially the mistake of relying too heavily on Spellcheck, like the person who last worked at a temp agency and "went to various job placemats."

So, I suspect, did the guy who was working at a ski resort "which has just rapped up there season."

There is just no excuse for the woman who has "Excptional customer service skills and Experrience assisting irate customers." If her attention to detail is exemplified by her resume, I can see why her customers are irate.
But my personal favourite had to be "Excellent verbal and written communnication skills."

I can understand why one person, who works at a prominent fast food franchise, needs a new job. He listed his duties as "food items safely, neatly and efficiently." It must be annoying to be a food item -- but having to be safe, neat and efficient for minimum wage? Unacceptable!

My heart did go out to the person who finished three years of community college and relocated to a new town for an ultimately failed relationship.
"To be honest," the person wrote, "my heart was not in dental hygiene, therefore I went back to my home town to work for the cleaning company and follow my heart."
I could mock this on several different levels but I'll go with this: Why are you telling me this in a cover letter asking for a job?

I don't think hobbies should be listed on resumes, especially if they include "keeping busy" as one gentleman wrote.
And the guy whose list of qualifications decreased in font size to form a funnel shape kind of annoyed me. Seriously, dude ... I could barely read that you are a "proactive problem solver."

Sadly, I had to put some of these resumes in the 'Possible' file. If I excluded everyone whose resume was incredibly fucked up, I'd have a talent pool of three to draw from. I am looking forward to meeting the dude who wrote "My drive and commitment to excellence may only be recognized through a personal meeting."
That guy must have a major pair of 'nads. He will be ruthlessly mocked if his "commitment to excellence" is not up to my exacting standards.