The Return of Brian's Celebration of Booze, Pills, The Simpsons, Non-Sequiters and Nihilism

Sorry I ducked out on you, loyal reader(s) ... Unlike so many of your daddies, I had a good excuse.
No. I didn't go out for a pack of smokes and just didn't come back ... My computer, or Computey as I like to call her, crapped out.
I realize this might sound like an excuse ... I could have written you at work. I've done it before. Why not this time, Brian? Why did you abandon us?
Because I'm pretty sure that the good people at The Source by Circuit City are really looking for an excuse to fire me. My boss hired her bestest buddy and there are only so many hours to go around. I have to cover my ass so they'll have to can me without just cause, When they do, I can kick corporate ass ... or at least collect pogey.

In my roughly three-week absence I:

drank 3.75 litres of Canadian Club.

drank fourteen litres of wine.

smoked about half a joint.

bitched about John Ferguson Jr. to anyone who would listen

drank 48 Diet Dr. Peppers.

fought with one mustacioed District Manager.

egged one man's house and left a threatening note for his kids and their 'reject from the Village People' father.

bitched about the shoddy treatment of John Ferguson Jr. at the hands of Leafs managemant

ate two whole turkerys.

watched 48 episodes of The Simpsons.

watched one episode of Two-and-a-Half Men.

wanted my 22 minutes back.

watched Murray McLauchlan with Steve and a bunch of old hippies.

bitched about Cliff Fletcher to anyone who would listen.

no-one listened. no-one ever listens.

and drank nine more glasses of wine while I was writing this.

It was pretty much business as usual. I missed you.

Merry Christmas to all my friends ...

...and have a safe and happy time celebrating the inexact birthday of God incarnate, born of a woman who was un-porked by man.
Jesus Christ, son-of-God but also God and I think the Holy Spirit as well (my theology here is admittedly a little weak) was born in order to perform a few miracles, abuse some moneylenders and say some genuinely nice things about the poor and the meek.
He then got himself nailed to a big chunk of wood as a human/divine being sacrifice to forgive mankind for Adam and Eve's original sin which ... well ... wasn't really mankind's mistake on the whole. And, in Adam and Eve's defence, it was kind of ... I believe the modern phrase would be ... entrapment. Creating a man out of dust, a woman out of his rib, telling them not to eat a specific apple and then sending a talking snake to urge them to have a nibble seems somehow like dirty pool. I'm not sure it would stand up in many courts of law. Dropping LSD after my parents told me not to didn't even get me kicked out of the house, let alone the Garden of Eden. The old man didn't staple my little brother to the garage door so he could forgive me either. God could have just forgotten about the entire bloody thing without Jesus getting nailed or Mary not, but who am I to question the will of The Almighty?
So there you go friends -- you're spared eternal damnation because of Christmas.

Unless you're a queer (Cory... Greg... are you paying attention?).

Or you covet your neighbour's herd (we all know about your sheep fetish, Bridgens).

Or somehow doubt the validity of the above story (sensible people, and Barb, I'm looking at you!).

So, Happy Xmas to one and all and try to remember the words of the philosopher Voltaire in the coming new year ...
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

Some Trivia You May Not Have Known About Brian...

...He finds the idea of Karma more palatable than the other pseudo-mystical horseshit he has been fed. The idea of 'Don't be a douche-bag lest it bite you in the ass' is much more appealing than some omniscient dude who frowns on abortion, infidels and pork.
He secretly suspects being a douche-bag will get you further in life. He doubts but hopes that the douche-bags will come back as dung beetles or electronics salesmen in the next life.

...He knows he's made a horrible mistake with his life...He just doesn't have a handle on fixing it since he now has to support both himself and The Tiny-Toothed Mayoress of Needy Town. If anyone wants to offer him a reasonable, adult-sized job -- please respond via this blog.
I'll warn you upfront -- He does drink. He really likes taking pills. Oh yeah, and he probably won't put up with your 'I'm the boss' shit. Other than that, he is a model employee.

...He thinks Alex Lifeson from the progressive rock 'n' roll band Rush is the best guitar player in the world ... based solely on the first two tracks of Permenant Waves.
Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton and Liona Boyd be damned.

...He misses Perry -- who has ruined New Year's Eve for Brian (you selfish prick, Perry) by snuffing it on that night -- and he has been a very, very bad god-father to Samantha.
Though it makes him become a bit maudlin at times, he hopes that Newfie bastard is resting in peace.

...He is a very bad electonics salesman -- he keeps telling people to go and invest more money in a Mac.
He doesn't sell them at his store and can't make a commission from it, but ... ehhh. It's a better computer ... and Vista is a pain in the balls.
Go buy an Apple computer. Spend the extra money.

...He doesn't really like Sex In The City, Friends or Degrassi: Anything ... He just pretends that to get laid. It rarely works.
He actually likes hockey, pornography and violence films.

...He hates this stupid foster-cat.

More Simpsons Quotes I Actually Use in Everyday Life

The previous post on this subject seemed pretty popular ... and I do like to pander to the lowest common denominator.
Plus, I get to rip off funny stuff from another source without doing my own work.
So...what the hell?
I expect at least fifty comments with your own favourite Simpsons quotes or I'll rethink this entire pandering...nay, blogging... idea.


"I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky."
-- Homer J. Simpson
Homer says this when he realizes that he is hopelessly out of touch with '90s music. His beloved Grand Funk Railroad (later shortened to Grand Funk ... probably by record company weasels in suits) is no longer a relevant musical force. Despite the wild, shirtless rythyms of Mark Farner and the compentent drumming of Don Brewer.
I like to use this this quote whenever (if-ever) I do something stereotypically ... well... adult. Like buying RRSPs from my banker. Or convenience store clerk. Where do they sell those damn things anyway?


"You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism."
-- Mayor Quimby
This is how Quimby responded when the town charter revealed Springfield was still a 'dry' town. I don't think I can add anything to this quote. I can't make it any more funnier or any more true.

"Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket...let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated"
-- Homer J. Simpson
Homer sees Nantucket on a map...ehh...this is rarely used -- but if a certain island in Massachusetts ever comes up in conversation -- you're golden.

"Oh boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!"
-- Ralph Wiggum
Oh Ralphie, where do I begin to start. Your non-sequiters, grammatical errors and foolish statements speak to the retarded child in all of us (see also: my cat smells like cat food, I bent my wookie and Me fail english? That's unpossible!).

"Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now, where were we, oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."
-- Abe (Grampa) Simpson
Hired by Mr. Burns to quell union unrest, Abe can't break heads like he could as a strike-breaker in the '30s. He can bore people with pointless stories, I just use this to mock old and/or boring people.

Like I said...I want at least fifty replies. Post your favourite Simpson quotes. I know that I have between eight and twelve loyal readers. Surely to God...Surely to appease my own ego...For the love of the teddy bear Mohammed...Just post your favourites.

FREEMASONS STOLE MY UNDERPANTS!

Okay, I admit it. Lee Harvey Oswald probably acted alone.
NASA likely landed a man on the moon.
Elvis is really dead and Paul McCartney is actually alive.
I do have a weird appreciation for conspiracy theories, though. I am fascinated by the fact that, when you convert the letters in Bill Gates III to ASCII and add them up, the sum is 666. Actually, I’m more fascinated by the type of person who would go to all that work.
No word on what you get when you add up William Henry Gates, William Gates the Third or Billy H. Microsoft using the same formula. My guess is it ain’t the Number of The Beast or I would have heard about it.
A good conspiracy theory is like watching someone work on four different jigsaw puzzles with a magnifying glass and a hammer and finish with a picture that looks almost real. I assume I wouldn’t be so captivated if I were Jewish, but then again, I’d be too busy controlling the World Bank, Hollywood and Professional Roller Derby to care.
That said, the alternative media can be a huge educational tool. For example, did you know…

...Germans landed on the moon in 1942? According to writer Vladimir Terzski and others, including noted Canadian douche-bag Ernst Zundel, Nazis established a moon base with their super excellent technology. (Earlier in his career, Zundel sold $10,000 tickets to an expidition to said moon base.) Really, It’s a wonder we aren’t all speaking German and wearing clothing designed by Hugo Boss. Apparently, when the Americans and Russians collaboratively landed on the moon in the 1950s (and you thought no one landed there at all) they used the secret Nazi underground bases as their own. Waste not want not, I guess.
During the Nazi adventure in Outer Space, they purportedly encountered several alien races, including…

…the Giant Lizards who rule the world. So says ex-Coventry City goalkeeper, BBC commentator and alleged anti-Semite (is anyone noticing a theme here?) David Icke.
Admittedly, this is quite a complex theory involving the Illuminati, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and, well, long story short, twelve-foot reptilian aliens from the constellation Draco that rule our planet.
Oh yeah, and they shape-shift.
Among their numbers? Princess Diana, George Bush Jr. & Sr. (obviously), Brian Mulroney, the entire House of Windsor and, according to Wikipedia, Boxcar Willie. I swear I didn’t make that up ... God I love Wikipedia. Most of the American government are involved ... the same government who created ...

…the Chupacabra! The scourge of Latin American livestock, the Chupacabra (literally translated as goat sucker) was created by the CIA as a weapon gone wrong. The Central Intelligence Agency wanted a weapon/mythical creature that would strike fear into the heart of the Viet Cong. They tested it down south and it escaped, Agent Orange didn’t enough. America needed the blood of Vietanmese goats drained.
And the chickens?
Don’t even get me started on what full blooded Vietnamese chickens can do to a war effort.
Any hair and DNA samples, bite marks or foot-marks or that prove it’s just a big fucking dog are merely smokescreens.
Jews everywhere are relieved goat sucking isn't their fault.

Commandments -- Eleven Through Twenty

Even in biblical times, attention spans were fairly short. Moses had to do some judicious editing to keep the Isrealites on topic while he brought down the Ten (alleged) Commandments.
Especially with all the Golden Calf worshipping that was going on while he was fetchin' them.
After he went to all the trouble of leading them out of Egypt? Oy vey ... you fickle, fickle Israelites! When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?

Subsequent expeditions by Finnish archeologists have unearthed and peiced together the sacred stone tablets that Moses had edited for the sake of brevity. They were also edited because flush Toilets, Led Zeppelin and Dave Keon had not yet been created and it would have confused --not only the Isrealites -- but everyone born before the 20th Century.

Still, here are the Commandments that time forgot and that Moses willfully ignored:


11. Thou Shalt Not Read The Bible While Seated On The Toilet

12. Verily, I Say Unto Thee, The First One Who Smelt It, Dealt It

13. On The Seventh Day, God Created Led Zeppelin

14. Thou Shalt Honour No Dogs Before Me (Theologians suspect God was a bit dyslexic. He found a sympathetic teacher and a speach therapist and became the God we know today. Very Inspiring!)

15. The Maple Leafs of Toronto Shan't Win The Cup of Lord Stanley 'till Dave Keon is Appeased.

16. An Apple a Day Keepeth the Doctor Away.

17. Thou Shalt Not Lie Down With a Man as Thou Wouldst With a Woman. Unless You're Gay. Or Bi-Curious.

18. An Admiration for the Prophet Bob Marley Maketh Not One Rastifarian Alone. Also -- you're not Irish 'cuz you once went to a Pogues concert.

19. Let He Who Is Without Sin Be Nailed Up to a big Fuckin' Chunk of Wood and Mocked Unmercifully By Roman Soldiers, (In retrospect, I assume God regrets this one.)

20. Taketh The Preceeding Nineteen Commandments With a Tiny Grain of Salt. Everything Shall Be Situational.

Amen

I'm gonna kill an endangered turtle...

...and make a fashionable hat from it's shell.

Seriously, no one has been 'green'er than me. I've voted for the Green Party four times. I recycle more whisky bottles, club soda cans and jokes about dogs without noses than anyone on my block. I've checked their blue boxes and their blogs.

I win.

I'm quite sick of being lectured by people who use more airplane fuel, gasoline and A/C electricity than I do. Seriously, I'm only using nine more times resources than my African equiviilant. Can you say the same, celebrities?
From now on, for every picture I see of Al Gore with any Hollywood A, B or C-lister ... I'm going to kill an owl. The most endangered owl I can find. Maybe even a peacock, but they are hard to find in this climate.

An environmental backlash is gonna come and I may as well be on the forefront. Mr. Gore had eight years to clean up the environment while he was in office. Mr. George Clooney or Mr. Shia LaBeouf or Mr. Norman Fell have had, I suppose, even longer.

You do more good than me, Mr. Gore, I'll admit ... but I do less harm.

If environmentalists don't stop preaching unless they start doing...well...we will all start looking for endangered turtle hats while we throw styrofoam containers out our SUV's and voting for the Grey Party.

Very Bad Poetry

Drunkenly trying on clothes
I questioned, “What the hell?”
And she told me this parable
She said, “My dog has no nose.”
I asked, “How does he smell?”
Her answer to me? “Terrible”.

Is it sad that I'm pushing 40-years-old and...

...The Ramones can still make me drunkenly pogo around the room?
...I still get pissy about a certain Toronto hockey team chronically under-achieving?
...I think cartoons (The Simpsons, Home Movies, Roger Ramjet, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle) are the epitome of American art?
...I think of people who don't wanna mix pills and booze, for fear of a bad reaction, as 'pussies'?
...I still check the music charts to see what 'the kids' are listening to these days?
...and the fact I automaticly assume that music won't affect 'the kids' the same way Pleased To Meet Me, Nevermind or The Joshua Tree affected me?
...and that I call them 'the kids'?
...I still think Elvis Costello is hip?
...insist on an open bar at my funeral and playing 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go?' as they walk me to my hole in the ground?
...the three people I'd like to get drunk with? Hunter Thompson, Henry Rollins and Joan of Arc.
Thank you all, goodnight...Rock 'n' Roll...Yeaaaaaah!

A Short Note Thanking Wine...

...For reminding me that, even though I worked twelve hours at a meaningless McJob today ...

There is still music I like.
I'm in the middle of a good book.
I can get lost in my PlayStation.
I have TWO DAYS OFF IN A ROW coming up.
I get laid on occasion
I can beat any man east of The Pecos River at bare-knuckle boxing.

Granted, the last one is a delusion created by insomnia, an empty stomach, three Amitriptylne and two bottles of wine.
I won't feel like this tomorrow morning. I know it's kinda stupid to be getting loaded when I have to work in ten hours. Sorry but, if my id had a voice it would sound like Foghorn Leghorn. If my super-ego had a voice, it would sound like Hans Moleman.
I am, you'll be glad to know, drinking lots of water, will take some vitamins and going to bed relatively early.
But, to paraphrase my friend Neal, 'Why have a crappy job if you can't get drunk the night before?'
It's not as bad as we think.

(post script: It is now tomorrow morning. I am at the above job. Reading this does make me feel a little better, despite my mild hangover.
And despite the fact that the cat took a dump on my bedroom floor.
Which I stepped in.
Good times.)